I Want Sleep….

I get up this morning for work and I just am so tired. Granted I have been tired for the last two years and 8 months, but that’s beside the point. I. Am. Tired.

When I lay my head down to sleep at night I am out like a light. Unless I am having one of those days where the voices inside my head won’t let me go to sleep. They babble about all sorts of things. “Did you remember this” “Did you do that” “Why won’t you do this” “I don’t think you need to do this” “Those kids are going to be the death of you” “Why don’t you just run away, nobody will notice” “It’s ok, you will just have to stay fat forever, you cow”. You know, the usual. I end up having a restless night because of this. Or I grind my teeth. Much to A1’s  annoyance concern. It is sometimes so loud I actually wake him.

Yes folks I will have no teeth by 35! The joys!

Then of course there are my completely F**ked up dreams. I mean to the point that they sometimes scare the crap out of me. It’s not like wake up sweating in the middle of the night type stuff, because sometimes I am so deep into sleep that I “see” the whole dream through. And that is more terrifying than anything else. I will not go into it here because frankly I do not want to remember what they are about and I have mentally blocked them.

What I wouldn’t give for uninterrupted sleep without alarms going off and to just wake up whenever it is I wake up. No dreams, no grinding of teeth, no noise. Just utter peace.

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A Little More Patience

I used to have an endless amount of patience. I used to be calm and serene and it would take a lot to really tick me off.

In the 2 years and 8 months since becoming a mom I have completely lost that. I mean completely. There’s not even a bit hanging by a thread. That broke a long time ago.

I now lose it for almost anything. This is solely because of the kids. I know it sounds bad to blame them, but its the honest truth. I’m laying it out here for everyone to read. Its because of them I have no patience left and that it has filtered into not having patience with the outside world.

I have become “that” customer. You know the one. The one who has a total flap when the slightest bit of service is not satisfactory. I hate myself for it sometimes, as sometimes it is worthy of just letting it go but I cannot control it.

I have spent the majority of the day being a bad parent. Yelling at the kids for their fighting, climbing and touching on things. I should’ve been able to handle this better. Should’ve being the operative word. I couldn’t. I lost all sense of composure.

I don’t know if I will ever be able to recover that “me” that could handle a situation without the dragon lady (aka bitch) making an appearance. I am totally irrational and will inevitably be in a crap mood the rest of the day.

I reckon only time will tell whether there is hope for me or not.

A Bit Of Randomness…

At the moment I feel like I have nothing important to say. Nothing to make a person giggle or think about. It’s like everything in my head is like a jumble and I am running on auto. Maybe I have stuff to say but it is probably rather random. I reckon I might be in one of those self-pity modes.

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I have to sometimes laugh at my son. He has such an interesting and, I would presume, very vivid imagination. I sometimes watch him play and the facial expressions when he in the throes of playing “some army game” or other (we got him a pack of those little green army men. You know, the ones they show in Toy Story? He loves it!). He is in the moment and feigns injury to boot! In his little mind it really is a life or death situation “out there” to survive. He does however need to work on his “ninja stealth”.

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My daughter is slowly improving with her speaking ability. Although not clear, we can kind of understand what she is saying now. She still sometimes babbles like a baby when she is over excited, but when she gets down to it, we can understand her. So happy about this. Hopefully we won’t have to investigate the speech therapist avenue.

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I did actually have a giggle last night though. We have been speaking to the kids about the potty (as you may well know). It seems N couldn’t really care less and is just on her own mission. A on the other hand repeatedly says “potty now mommy” AFTER he has made a poo or wee etc. I don’t think he grasps it so well. He even does this cute action where he bends his knees and says “me go sit on the potty”. But he is not even near it!

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L has told me that the twins have made new friends with the two kids down the road from our house. The little girl is two and the boy is (I can’t remember so clearly) about 7 or 8. A has taken a total shining to this little boy and they seem, according to L, to play very well together. I’m not sure if I should be worried about the age difference though. N and the little girl play nicely together, but N has this nasty habit of grabbing whatever the little girl has and immediately wants it as her own. I think I need to work on the “it’s not yours and if you want to play with it you ask” speech.  It might be beneficial in helping her “play well with others”. Would hate for “Does Not Play Well With Others” to appear on her grading card one day.

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I have been getting more than a bit annoyed at work lately. Maybe it is just me, but I hate looking incompetent to others when it’s something that is totally not in my control or my decision to make! Also, it turns out that some people are inherently deaf when it comes to your point of view when it is something they want. How did society in general become so self-absorbed?

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I am yearning for a good book to read! And when I say yearning for one I mean I would like some time to actually read one! I have some books at the moment at home that I would love to start reading, but alas, time is totally not on my side. Exhaustion is also a factor. By the time the kids have gone down for the night I am not even sure if I know how to read. Must make a plan though. Then again, I say that often too.

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The level of my tiredness has reached epic proportions. I find myself zoning out at work. Not actually falling asleep, but kind of just “being” there in body and my mind is totally somewhere else. Need to concentrate more but there are days when I actually don’t care. I can’t really even work on the computer for more than 20 minutes at a stretch without my eyes watering and becoming bloodshot. I look like someone who had a little too much the night before! And I don’t even drink!

I Couldn’t Deal…

It has taken me this long to post this post because it took me this long to recover. The chaos that was last night with the kids was enough to leave my fragile sanity dangling on a thread and it’s close to breaking. Yes, I have recovered, but just enough to function in daily society without being hauled off to the nuthouse!

So last night my father proceeds to drop by and give the kids their potties which he so wonderfully claimed to have bought on Sat. Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful because they are really nice ones.
He then, against my warning of not too because the kids will practically go ape with it, opens the boxes and gives each kid their potty.
Let me just add here that by now the twins were settled into their relaxing evening routine and quite well behaved.
The kids went nuts! Literally nuts. I think almost they think of it as a toy even if they do know kinda what its for.

Then we tried to take it away as its not a toy to which they started screaming! My father proceeds to then say “well, I brought it here so you gotta try to keep it safe, and I’ll be on my way now”. And he left. He left us to deal with the chaos that was about to ensue!

We tried to be nice and say that it had to be put away and used for potty time. The screaming started. And continued! And eventually after begging and pleading we just took it away as it was about to be broken by my destructive two!
And then all hell broke loose!! N and A pulled out the Grand Master Devil of all tantrums! I’m talking screaming, scratching, attacking us violently, not breathing enough so choking on own spit tantrums!
It took us literally near an hour to get these kids to calm down. Then out of frustration they started attacking each other!

Now we may have handled the situation wrong by, after the 30 minute mark, screaming and shouting at them. But bloody hell what else were we supposed to do? I have never seen my kids this “possessed” so to speak!! I was about to break down.

We managed to EVENTUALLY get them to calm down enough to have their supper and subsequent night bottle later, but after that episode I was left broken and damaged. Bed time rolled around and A was quick to go to sleep. N took another hour!

I think I died a little inside last night…

Bah Humbug!

Here’s the deal. I HATE being sick. Number one reason why? Unlike before kids, I now cannot get any rest. Which inevitably results in me feeling crap for longer.

I hate sniffing, blowing my nose and waiting for it to reach my chest which results in a cough that sounds like I’m coughing up a lung. Oh, the joy. I also hate the fact that I probably will (hopefully not this time) pass this to one or both of the kids. Sick toddlers are no fun!

I don’t know why I was under the impression that I was invincible. Maybe it’s because half of the people at work are sick and A1 recently too, and I hadn’t caught it yet. Murphy you are truly a bastard! Luckily I went last week and got enough meds for A1 which now I will be using.

So I’m sitting at work nicely drugged and not a care in the world. Haha. What I think I need is bed rest though. And of course I would get sick when it’s going to be a super busy week at work. So no sick days for me. Can you hear the pity party bells ringing??

I reckon I will continue with the “woe is me” scenario for a bit longer. It makes me feel slightly better.  I was also supposed to start my diet today. That, as you can well imagine, is COMPLETELY out the window until I’m better. I mean it’s not right to start a diet when you’re sick right? RIGHT??

Oh, and did I mention its MONDAY!???

 

Fluff’s Top 5

{Please excuse the lack of a pretty banner that I inserted last week. Tech issues and the site won’t let me upload it! Grrr! It shall be back next week hopefully!}  

Things that freak me out…

I probably have a bijillion (yes, that is a word) of these, but I will list the ones that come to mind first.

  • People who are happy ALL the time.
    (No offence if you fall into this category, its just that I find it a bit unnerving).
  • Touching meat.
    (Have no idea why. Don’t have an issue with chicken or fish though. WTF?)
  • Bugs.
    (Anywhere. Anykind. Freak. Me. OUT!!).
  • People who don’t know the words “personal space”.
    (If I don’t know you and/or am meeting you for the first time please don’t come into my personal space. It makes me claustrophobic. And I feel attacked. Basically want to freak out and run away. Which people then might construe as me being a bitch on the first meeting. I’m not. I can be if pushed, but I’m not generally).
  • Totally freak out when people come to close to my kids (generally because of the twins scenario) and want to coochy coo!
    (Where have your hands been? Makes me sound like a bit of a germaphobe doesn’t it? I am at times totally irrational, but I cant help but think these things).

Odds and Ends…

So what do I go and do today? I install TwitVid on my Blackberry. Why you may ask? Because somewhere in my little messed up brain I think I can upload videos to twitter. What videos you may ask? I do not know. I’m still trying to think about why on earth I want to post videos of me (well not of me but of, well let’s say random things).

My Twitter handle is “winxatU”. Come find me. I warn you though, my tweets are not always about mommy things and I occasionally swear more for some reason and sometime I talk the biggest load of crap. So come find me at your own peril. 😉

PS: I have yet to post said TwitVid. I think as I’m typing this my bravery has called it a day and left. I will not uninstall the app however. Bravery might still try and make an appearance!

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We have a long weekend coming up. Last day of work today until Monday again. I’m happy yet apprehensive. The kids are going to be all over. Luckily it’s just the one public holiday tomorrow while the next day is just a university holiday. Which means it is mandatory that we don’t come to work on Friday. A1 still goes to work on Friday and dear L will be there on Friday. Hey! I might even go get my hair done on Friday!! Can you hear the applause? Or is it just in my head?

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Work has been looking up lately. I have been informed that I will be acting in an HR consultant position. Meaning I will do a lot more than the arbitrary paper work and such. I will be handling interviews, making offers etc. Hopefully when that position is advertised and I apply it will be as good as mine. We hope!

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Its official, I have picked up weight (again!) I was doing so well. These pants I’ve got on today are slowly suffocating me! (Hmm, maybe the pants have shrunk?) I will not show it. Nope. Will not. The fact that sitting is becoming harder by the second and the temptation to loosen a button is becoming unbearable will not deter me from giving the game away. I shall start (clearly only after the long weekend duh!) with the diet plan asap! And the next time I wear these pants it will fit perfectly and not try to cut off my circulation! (stupid pants!)

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I am on a cold fighting mission. A1 currently has one and yesterday I practically bought up a whole pharmacy so he could take meds and get better real quick. The colds and flu’s that are going around at the moment are (according to reports) rather bad. Once he is better I think we are all going to go get that dreaded flu shot. The new flu vaccine apparently has something added in to prevent Swine Flu as well, which is particularly dangerous for little ones and old people. So I should get my finger out my rear and get it done!  I also really can’t afford to get sick right now. Well can mommies really afford to get sick period??