Hey There…

So here I am once again. And no, I am not going to bitch and moan about how I haven’t been here or haven’t posted enough. It’s pathetic and I have no one but myself to blame. And for that, dear readers, I am sorry.

So where am I head space wise? Well, neither here nor there really. I am not as angry as before. But find my patience to be one on a very (and I repeat VERY) thin thread. I still regularly take the stress/anxiety pills to ease my shattered nerves. So far I have not committed any heinous crimes against humanity (read: colleagues or family).

I find that I get annoyed very easily as well. I used to be able to have a strong hold on how quickly I could become annoyed. It used to take a bit of work. Now, it’s just a matter of saying something stupid and I react. Needless to say this happens mainly at work, and I should really learn to curb the words that spew from my annoyed mouth.  I’m getting “looks” already. But currently my attitude of “you need me or else you are F*&%ed” is getting the better of me. I should just go for longer walks around the campus. However that is also difficult to do when you are in a meeting. *sigh*

I have but a ton of work to do, but you know what? I am taking this opportunity to blog. Coz damn it, I need a break. I need to just be able to let it all out there and say I am NOT a slave and will take a 5 minute break to clear my thoughts (currently mainly vicious ones). This also includes a cup of coffee!

Cheers till another time folks….

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I Just Dont Know…

Wow. It has seriously been a long time since I have blogged anything. It’s sad actually, but somehow it seems like things have just conspired to keep me away from here. I am not amused. I miss having a good ‘ol vent session or just to blog about the arb things happening. I remember fondly of a time when I could blog almost every day or second day. Aaah, those wonderful times. I miss it. And let me just point out that it is not for a lack of anything to say that I haven’t been on here. There probably is a lot to say. It is most probably the part where I actually sit and type it all out that seems to be the snag in the situation.

It is far from arb. The things that have been happening currently. I am seriously at a complete loss and I currently feel like I am spiraling out of control into an unavoidable black hole. Descriptive enough for you? Yeah, thought so.

The world (and life in general) is trying to swallow me whole. I haven’t been this low in ages. Granted it could just be a complete hormonal imbalance (read: breakdown) and it could just end after a month or so, like it has before. The problem is what if it doesn’t?

I have been feeling a bit disorientated (my word for a little bit depressed) for a while now. I just can’t explain it really. I don’t and wouldn’t know where to even start. This past week and a half however I have just been angry. A lot. At everything, everyone and just in general angry. Ask me why? Go ahead, seriously, ask me! Truth is, I don’t know. Maybe I just have some serious underlying issues I don’t know about or it’s a serious case of hormonal imbalance that I need to have medically checked. I also have had the same damn headache on and off (more on) for the better part of 6 days now. I’ve even gone to taking herbal stress/anxiety pills just to take the edge off.

The long and short of it is that I don’t think I am ok. But what other state can I afford to be in right now? I think it affects the relationships I have.

You know, I sometimes lie to my kids to just get away from them or to just shut them up? You know, those little white lies:

Son: “Mommy, where are you going?”

Me: “Just giving the dog some water” (aka, I need a smoke)

Son: “What’s this? Mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy…….”

(Insert mental break here)

Me: “I don’t know. (I do but it is too complicated to explain and I am too exhausted) Please don’t ask again, mommy is just going to the bathroom” (I know I am fully not intending to go)

There are many of these little things that happen that will obviously ensure that I NEVER win the mother of the year award. But I really can’t be the only one right?

I can’t be the only one that would really just like to crawl into a quiet dark place and just sleep the days away. And before you think I am exaggerating, I could literally spend all day in bed if given a chance. I don’t feel like moving or doing anything really. It’s just too much effort.

I am however surprised that I have pulled myself together long enough to type this. Do I get a medal?

I hope I get to be here more often.