I Didnt Really Notice…

Exactly what the title says. I didnt. Until today.

I got to work and usually on a Tuesday and Wednesday I am out the office consulting at various areas of the University. So I get to my area of consultation for the day and head to the bathroom. Mainly since my bladder feels like it cant hold even a drop of water these days. Anyways, that’s besides the point. I go in, do my thing and upon washing my hands, I notice my top.
Usually it has a wasted belt with it. Usually I wouldn’t need it as it would sit just fine without it.

This particular bathroom has a full length mirror. I havent stood in front of one in ages. For mental reasons I wont get into right now. But what I saw was not nice. The top now just looks like a piece of fabric I draped over in a hurry on my way out this morning. My shoulder bones and the bones just underneath my neck (the name now completely escapes me!) is protruding badly. In a nutshell, I look horrible.
At what point did the stress impact me so badly? And let me tell you it is only work stress. At home is limited. At what point did it come to where I look like I have an eating problem. I know people have commented on the weight loss, but I never see such things. Until this morning.

Now let me just be frank and say that I am an eater. I eat normally and do not have any issues regarding that. Its just that currently, I eat and it does nothing. I am thinking I would need to stock up heavily on the vitamins etc. That, or look for another job (which I am currently doing). Because lets face it folks, in todays society we cant afford to just quit work and take our time looking for other work. That just does not pan out.

The pic below is one I took last week. Still did not notice. I hate posting pics of myself, but just so you have an idea, I did not look like this 4 months ago.I still had cheeks. Trust me, I am working on this.

The Ugly Me

The Ugly Me

I Just Dont Know…

Wow. It has seriously been a long time since I have blogged anything. It’s sad actually, but somehow it seems like things have just conspired to keep me away from here. I am not amused. I miss having a good ‘ol vent session or just to blog about the arb things happening. I remember fondly of a time when I could blog almost every day or second day. Aaah, those wonderful times. I miss it. And let me just point out that it is not for a lack of anything to say that I haven’t been on here. There probably is a lot to say. It is most probably the part where I actually sit and type it all out that seems to be the snag in the situation.

It is far from arb. The things that have been happening currently. I am seriously at a complete loss and I currently feel like I am spiraling out of control into an unavoidable black hole. Descriptive enough for you? Yeah, thought so.

The world (and life in general) is trying to swallow me whole. I haven’t been this low in ages. Granted it could just be a complete hormonal imbalance (read: breakdown) and it could just end after a month or so, like it has before. The problem is what if it doesn’t?

I have been feeling a bit disorientated (my word for a little bit depressed) for a while now. I just can’t explain it really. I don’t and wouldn’t know where to even start. This past week and a half however I have just been angry. A lot. At everything, everyone and just in general angry. Ask me why? Go ahead, seriously, ask me! Truth is, I don’t know. Maybe I just have some serious underlying issues I don’t know about or it’s a serious case of hormonal imbalance that I need to have medically checked. I also have had the same damn headache on and off (more on) for the better part of 6 days now. I’ve even gone to taking herbal stress/anxiety pills just to take the edge off.

The long and short of it is that I don’t think I am ok. But what other state can I afford to be in right now? I think it affects the relationships I have.

You know, I sometimes lie to my kids to just get away from them or to just shut them up? You know, those little white lies:

Son: “Mommy, where are you going?”

Me: “Just giving the dog some water” (aka, I need a smoke)

Son: “What’s this? Mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy…….”

(Insert mental break here)

Me: “I don’t know. (I do but it is too complicated to explain and I am too exhausted) Please don’t ask again, mommy is just going to the bathroom” (I know I am fully not intending to go)

There are many of these little things that happen that will obviously ensure that I NEVER win the mother of the year award. But I really can’t be the only one right?

I can’t be the only one that would really just like to crawl into a quiet dark place and just sleep the days away. And before you think I am exaggerating, I could literally spend all day in bed if given a chance. I don’t feel like moving or doing anything really. It’s just too much effort.

I am however surprised that I have pulled myself together long enough to type this. Do I get a medal?

I hope I get to be here more often.

The Brakes Have Been Put On….

Ok, FINE!! I lied. Happy now? Yeah, I told a fib.

In my defense I really really did think that the nightmare was over. I mean really. Who could have predicted what is currently happening now?

Ok, let me try again, just in case I have totally confused you and have made you wonder if I have completely gone off the rails (ps: I’m not far off), you might want to read this post first. It might bring some clarity about what I am going to bitch about now.

Remember when I was so happy that Maternity Girl came back and that my workload would return to normal? Remember how enthusiastic I was and did I mention Happy?

Yeah, short lived.

Turns out one of my other colleagues was booked off for stress. Now I’m usually a sympathetic person and can totally understand stress. I have it myself and the others who actually do their job are under enormous stress as well. But for three months? I mean COME ON!!

We all are under stress and I understand that some people handle it differently to others.  I can go through the headaches followed by the cleaning of blood out my nose caused by stress, which clearly I am not going to bore you with now, and yet I am still at work. The thought of having myself booked off for stress hasn’t even crossed my mind. Why? Because I know that there is a job to be done. I know that should that work not be done there are implications. Don’t get me wrong, should I be genuinely sick I will do the necessary, but stress can be sorted by taking a few days leave and maybe making an appointment with a psychologist should there be underlying issues. Being booked off by a GP for a period of longer than 5 is also illegal. A specialist can only book you off for longer.

After that rant let me just clarify that since Mr Stress has been booked off I have been covering his space. And OMG is the space a mess. I mean not little issues, I mean WTF issues! Issues dating back to last year. Issues that I now need to sort out. It is overwhelming and depressing at the same time.

With trying to sort out the messes and trying to do the new work coming in, I genuinely don’t think I am going to see the light of day any time soon. It has prompted me to think what on earth this guy was doing while he was here. Work? I don’t think so!!

I have managed to calm down his severely angry clients and have tamed them enough to be meek and mild as a lamb. Meaning I had to graft and make sure everything was perfect. It is exhausting. I barely feel human by the time I get home. It is affecting my interaction with the kids too. I am just too damn tired to full on play and enjoy them. I feel bad.

And yet, I pick myself up and go to work each morning. I don’t book myself off for fatigue, or stress or the like.

Am I being mean? Probably. But that is the zone I am in right now. Am I stressed? Definitely. Do I sometimes resent the fact that I have a conscience? Yes. Some people just get away with more than what is normal. Am I saying that there are no consequences to his actions? No.

We will just have to wait it out and see.