Hey There…

So here I am once again. And no, I am not going to bitch and moan about how I haven’t been here or haven’t posted enough. It’s pathetic and I have no one but myself to blame. And for that, dear readers, I am sorry.

So where am I head space wise? Well, neither here nor there really. I am not as angry as before. But find my patience to be one on a very (and I repeat VERY) thin thread. I still regularly take the stress/anxiety pills to ease my shattered nerves. So far I have not committed any heinous crimes against humanity (read: colleagues or family).

I find that I get annoyed very easily as well. I used to be able to have a strong hold on how quickly I could become annoyed. It used to take a bit of work. Now, it’s just a matter of saying something stupid and I react. Needless to say this happens mainly at work, and I should really learn to curb the words that spew from my annoyed mouth.  I’m getting “looks” already. But currently my attitude of “you need me or else you are F*&%ed” is getting the better of me. I should just go for longer walks around the campus. However that is also difficult to do when you are in a meeting. *sigh*

I have but a ton of work to do, but you know what? I am taking this opportunity to blog. Coz damn it, I need a break. I need to just be able to let it all out there and say I am NOT a slave and will take a 5 minute break to clear my thoughts (currently mainly vicious ones). This also includes a cup of coffee!

Cheers till another time folks….

I Just Dont Know…

Wow. It has seriously been a long time since I have blogged anything. It’s sad actually, but somehow it seems like things have just conspired to keep me away from here. I am not amused. I miss having a good ‘ol vent session or just to blog about the arb things happening. I remember fondly of a time when I could blog almost every day or second day. Aaah, those wonderful times. I miss it. And let me just point out that it is not for a lack of anything to say that I haven’t been on here. There probably is a lot to say. It is most probably the part where I actually sit and type it all out that seems to be the snag in the situation.

It is far from arb. The things that have been happening currently. I am seriously at a complete loss and I currently feel like I am spiraling out of control into an unavoidable black hole. Descriptive enough for you? Yeah, thought so.

The world (and life in general) is trying to swallow me whole. I haven’t been this low in ages. Granted it could just be a complete hormonal imbalance (read: breakdown) and it could just end after a month or so, like it has before. The problem is what if it doesn’t?

I have been feeling a bit disorientated (my word for a little bit depressed) for a while now. I just can’t explain it really. I don’t and wouldn’t know where to even start. This past week and a half however I have just been angry. A lot. At everything, everyone and just in general angry. Ask me why? Go ahead, seriously, ask me! Truth is, I don’t know. Maybe I just have some serious underlying issues I don’t know about or it’s a serious case of hormonal imbalance that I need to have medically checked. I also have had the same damn headache on and off (more on) for the better part of 6 days now. I’ve even gone to taking herbal stress/anxiety pills just to take the edge off.

The long and short of it is that I don’t think I am ok. But what other state can I afford to be in right now? I think it affects the relationships I have.

You know, I sometimes lie to my kids to just get away from them or to just shut them up? You know, those little white lies:

Son: “Mommy, where are you going?”

Me: “Just giving the dog some water” (aka, I need a smoke)

Son: “What’s this? Mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy…….”

(Insert mental break here)

Me: “I don’t know. (I do but it is too complicated to explain and I am too exhausted) Please don’t ask again, mommy is just going to the bathroom” (I know I am fully not intending to go)

There are many of these little things that happen that will obviously ensure that I NEVER win the mother of the year award. But I really can’t be the only one right?

I can’t be the only one that would really just like to crawl into a quiet dark place and just sleep the days away. And before you think I am exaggerating, I could literally spend all day in bed if given a chance. I don’t feel like moving or doing anything really. It’s just too much effort.

I am however surprised that I have pulled myself together long enough to type this. Do I get a medal?

I hope I get to be here more often.

When You Finally Do Sleep…

The shit hits the fan. Always.

I fell into bed last night exhausted beyond measure and slept. I didn’t even dream. Nothing. Just blank and slept. Needless to say I slept to the point of not hearing my alarm go off this morning for work. I slept right through it. A full solid hour right through it. 

A1 woke me up. I usually wake up and sort a light breakfast then wake him up. He woke me up to witch I shot up out of bed and headed to the bathroom (I hate waking up in a rush. It destroys my inner karma for the day). A1 sorted out the light breakfast. Love him.

Because of the alarm blaring away both kids were up and about. It is difficult for both of us to try and get ready in the mornings with twin 3 year olds. It just doesn’t work.

So getting out of the house this morning was a mission. My eyes still hurt and I still feel groggy. My motivation for work is sitting at 0% and my mood sucks. Added to this the blistering heat (mostly humid) and I want to claw the walls. 

But thankfully today seems to be quiet (holds thumbs that it stays that way) and I am also pretty much keeping to myself. Nobody has popped by unannounced to my office to bother with crap I am really not in the mood for. So all in all this day might actually improve.

Think I’ll go make me a cup of coffee. (yes I know it’s hot, but I managed to track down a fan and put it in my office! Yay me!)

Summer, You Bastard…

I know I am doing the “be positive” thing, but bloody hell I just gotta moan about this some more!

I will not pretend to like the fact that it is as hot as hell outside. I will not pretend that I enjoy Summer so fricken much that I could easily spend my days on the beach. No, I can’t. I detest it. The heat makes me sick. It affects my mood. I hate being all sticky.

I think (more often than not) I have bitched and moaned about the heat. It is intolerable. It ranges from dry where your nose burns to totally humid where you are sticky and clammy all the time. No amounts of cool showers work as you tend to sweat worse after. It borders on ridiculous.

The kids tend to be twice as agitated with the heat. Making it impossible for them (and us) to get a good night’s sleep. Last night included. It is just not on.

N decided that around midnight she would not sleep in her bed. She was moany and wanted to sleep in ours. What she failed to realize is that it was just as hot in our room as it was in hers. No solace there. A eventually gave up and went to sleep on the couch (which is far from very comfy). I had two three year olds beat the crap out of me while attempting to fall asleep. Inclusive of a kick to the face. Wonderful. I think my last look at the clock before falling (passing out) asleep was 01h45 or something.

My cheek bone is still sore. Luckily no bruising.

Also? For the record? My office has got no fan or air con either.

My Summer curse continues…

Yeah, Shoulda Seen It Coming…

Ok, I maybe should have seen this coming. To just think that it would just be tolerated was a little stupid on my part.

My girlfriends don’t invite me to girls’ nights anymore.

Frankly I don’t blame them either. There is only so many times you can hear the same answers from a person and not get annoyed and just not bother to ask anymore. I would have stopped inviting me ages ago.

Don’t get me wrong, I want to go, really! I just can’t seem to get out the damn house. I can’t leave A1 alone with the twins as I don’t think he will last that long. To essentially go out I would have to ask my mom to baby sit. This means that I can’t stay out late as I need to come and fetch them and get them into bed and, and, and!!! See how this is NOT a winning situation.

The only time I really get out and about is to actually go and do grocery shopping and the like. Sad isn’t it? Yeah, I have had many a pity party just for me.

I am thinking that I need to get out of this hole that I have dug for myself.  And fast.

I cannot begin to tell you how the lack of a social life (and I’m not talking raucous parties etc. just some nice chats with friends at a restaurant or something) is slowly leading me down a path to self-destruction. And from what I gather, that will probably not be a good thing for my household.

Argh all the thinking and anxiety over this is aggravating the migraine I woke up with this morning. I think it might be a hormonal problem. That will probably be another post altogether. It probably also means a trip to my gynea. I don’t want to go. But I probably have to.*sigh*

Surprises…Who Knew?

My kids surprise me every day. Every day is new. I am astounded by the way that they cannot tolerate each other! The constant fighting (and ultimate scratches and bruising that occurs) is and can be concerning at times. But for the first time that I can actually remember clearly, something amazing happened.

Take last night. They were playing some silly (and by silly I mean it was rather cute) game. Laughter and cuteness all around. All of a sudden they start hugging. At this point my eyes were ready to pop out of my head. Could they actually like each other? It was a total change of pace from me yelling at them to stop fighting.

And then, here’s the clincher folks, N leaned over and gave A a kiss on the nose. And then again on the cheek and so the game continued. She seemed pretty damn proud of herself. I was too. A loves affection and constantly wants to have interaction with his sister. N is just not that type. She couldn’t really worry whether A was around or not. She is, to an extent, a very independent child. She does not strive to be around familiar people and to be the center of attention. If she feels the need for it, she will show it. It all really depends on her mood. And yes, my two year old daughter already has the mood thing down to a fine art!

Back to the story. So this “love fest” continued nearly all the way up to bed time. The longest I have ever seen my daughter be affectionate. I swear it was only after this was said and done that the thought occurred to me that that would have been an awesome Kodak moment. Unfortunately, as always, I am too late.

When this “event”, so to speak, will happen again I do not know. I have a feeling it might not happen again. I have to be more quick with a camera!!

Time…You Are But A Complete Bitch

Strange how in two and a half years things can change so dramatically. It’s odd to think that it’s even possible. Last night A1 and I were looking at pics of the kids when they were just babies. Cute yes, but that is not what got us. There was a pic (rare) of us holding the kids. A1 says “Is it just me or do we look younger in that photo?” And that’s when it hit me. We were old. How was it possible to age at least 5 or more years in the space of two and a half years?  I thought about it and a couple of points came to mind:

  • Two and a half years ago I had the energy of five people. Now I can barely spare energy for one.
  • Two and a half years ago my head looked pretty decent. I now have enough grey hair to enter a retirement village.
  • Two and half years ago I could still pass for a teenager. Now I look like what the dog threw up.
  • Two and a half years ago I could still go out and have a good time, come back late and still get up and make it to work on time. I now barely go out and am really even too exhausted to think about it.
  • Two and a half years ago I had ambition to be the best in my career field. I now am just thankful to have a job.
  • Two and a half years ago I could look in the mirror and at least smile. I now look in the mirror and want to cry.
  • Two and a half years ago I managed my time well. Now if I make it to a place 15 minutes late I consider it a WIN.
  • Two and a half years ago I could easily tell you the date, time and what happened anytime anywhere. Now I’m lucky if I know what day of the week it is.
  • Two and a half years ago it was easy enough to go out to a restaurant to eat. Now if there is money left over (which is very rare) we might go out to eat. If we can muster the energy.
  • Two and a half years ago I was solid in my mental state. Now I doubt my mental state daily.

Those are probably not all, but I reckon one can probably come to the conclusion that two and a half years ago, we didn’t have kids.