Hey There…

So here I am once again. And no, I am not going to bitch and moan about how I haven’t been here or haven’t posted enough. It’s pathetic and I have no one but myself to blame. And for that, dear readers, I am sorry.

So where am I head space wise? Well, neither here nor there really. I am not as angry as before. But find my patience to be one on a very (and I repeat VERY) thin thread. I still regularly take the stress/anxiety pills to ease my shattered nerves. So far I have not committed any heinous crimes against humanity (read: colleagues or family).

I find that I get annoyed very easily as well. I used to be able to have a strong hold on how quickly I could become annoyed. It used to take a bit of work. Now, it’s just a matter of saying something stupid and I react. Needless to say this happens mainly at work, and I should really learn to curb the words that spew from my annoyed mouth.  I’m getting “looks” already. But currently my attitude of “you need me or else you are F*&%ed” is getting the better of me. I should just go for longer walks around the campus. However that is also difficult to do when you are in a meeting. *sigh*

I have but a ton of work to do, but you know what? I am taking this opportunity to blog. Coz damn it, I need a break. I need to just be able to let it all out there and say I am NOT a slave and will take a 5 minute break to clear my thoughts (currently mainly vicious ones). This also includes a cup of coffee!

Cheers till another time folks….

I Just Dont Know…

Wow. It has seriously been a long time since I have blogged anything. It’s sad actually, but somehow it seems like things have just conspired to keep me away from here. I am not amused. I miss having a good ‘ol vent session or just to blog about the arb things happening. I remember fondly of a time when I could blog almost every day or second day. Aaah, those wonderful times. I miss it. And let me just point out that it is not for a lack of anything to say that I haven’t been on here. There probably is a lot to say. It is most probably the part where I actually sit and type it all out that seems to be the snag in the situation.

It is far from arb. The things that have been happening currently. I am seriously at a complete loss and I currently feel like I am spiraling out of control into an unavoidable black hole. Descriptive enough for you? Yeah, thought so.

The world (and life in general) is trying to swallow me whole. I haven’t been this low in ages. Granted it could just be a complete hormonal imbalance (read: breakdown) and it could just end after a month or so, like it has before. The problem is what if it doesn’t?

I have been feeling a bit disorientated (my word for a little bit depressed) for a while now. I just can’t explain it really. I don’t and wouldn’t know where to even start. This past week and a half however I have just been angry. A lot. At everything, everyone and just in general angry. Ask me why? Go ahead, seriously, ask me! Truth is, I don’t know. Maybe I just have some serious underlying issues I don’t know about or it’s a serious case of hormonal imbalance that I need to have medically checked. I also have had the same damn headache on and off (more on) for the better part of 6 days now. I’ve even gone to taking herbal stress/anxiety pills just to take the edge off.

The long and short of it is that I don’t think I am ok. But what other state can I afford to be in right now? I think it affects the relationships I have.

You know, I sometimes lie to my kids to just get away from them or to just shut them up? You know, those little white lies:

Son: “Mommy, where are you going?”

Me: “Just giving the dog some water” (aka, I need a smoke)

Son: “What’s this? Mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy…….”

(Insert mental break here)

Me: “I don’t know. (I do but it is too complicated to explain and I am too exhausted) Please don’t ask again, mommy is just going to the bathroom” (I know I am fully not intending to go)

There are many of these little things that happen that will obviously ensure that I NEVER win the mother of the year award. But I really can’t be the only one right?

I can’t be the only one that would really just like to crawl into a quiet dark place and just sleep the days away. And before you think I am exaggerating, I could literally spend all day in bed if given a chance. I don’t feel like moving or doing anything really. It’s just too much effort.

I am however surprised that I have pulled myself together long enough to type this. Do I get a medal?

I hope I get to be here more often.

When You Finally Do Sleep…

The shit hits the fan. Always.

I fell into bed last night exhausted beyond measure and slept. I didn’t even dream. Nothing. Just blank and slept. Needless to say I slept to the point of not hearing my alarm go off this morning for work. I slept right through it. A full solid hour right through it. 

A1 woke me up. I usually wake up and sort a light breakfast then wake him up. He woke me up to witch I shot up out of bed and headed to the bathroom (I hate waking up in a rush. It destroys my inner karma for the day). A1 sorted out the light breakfast. Love him.

Because of the alarm blaring away both kids were up and about. It is difficult for both of us to try and get ready in the mornings with twin 3 year olds. It just doesn’t work.

So getting out of the house this morning was a mission. My eyes still hurt and I still feel groggy. My motivation for work is sitting at 0% and my mood sucks. Added to this the blistering heat (mostly humid) and I want to claw the walls. 

But thankfully today seems to be quiet (holds thumbs that it stays that way) and I am also pretty much keeping to myself. Nobody has popped by unannounced to my office to bother with crap I am really not in the mood for. So all in all this day might actually improve.

Think I’ll go make me a cup of coffee. (yes I know it’s hot, but I managed to track down a fan and put it in my office! Yay me!)

Summer, You Bastard…

I know I am doing the “be positive” thing, but bloody hell I just gotta moan about this some more!

I will not pretend to like the fact that it is as hot as hell outside. I will not pretend that I enjoy Summer so fricken much that I could easily spend my days on the beach. No, I can’t. I detest it. The heat makes me sick. It affects my mood. I hate being all sticky.

I think (more often than not) I have bitched and moaned about the heat. It is intolerable. It ranges from dry where your nose burns to totally humid where you are sticky and clammy all the time. No amounts of cool showers work as you tend to sweat worse after. It borders on ridiculous.

The kids tend to be twice as agitated with the heat. Making it impossible for them (and us) to get a good night’s sleep. Last night included. It is just not on.

N decided that around midnight she would not sleep in her bed. She was moany and wanted to sleep in ours. What she failed to realize is that it was just as hot in our room as it was in hers. No solace there. A eventually gave up and went to sleep on the couch (which is far from very comfy). I had two three year olds beat the crap out of me while attempting to fall asleep. Inclusive of a kick to the face. Wonderful. I think my last look at the clock before falling (passing out) asleep was 01h45 or something.

My cheek bone is still sore. Luckily no bruising.

Also? For the record? My office has got no fan or air con either.

My Summer curse continues…

Yeah, Shoulda Seen It Coming…

Ok, I maybe should have seen this coming. To just think that it would just be tolerated was a little stupid on my part.

My girlfriends don’t invite me to girls’ nights anymore.

Frankly I don’t blame them either. There is only so many times you can hear the same answers from a person and not get annoyed and just not bother to ask anymore. I would have stopped inviting me ages ago.

Don’t get me wrong, I want to go, really! I just can’t seem to get out the damn house. I can’t leave A1 alone with the twins as I don’t think he will last that long. To essentially go out I would have to ask my mom to baby sit. This means that I can’t stay out late as I need to come and fetch them and get them into bed and, and, and!!! See how this is NOT a winning situation.

The only time I really get out and about is to actually go and do grocery shopping and the like. Sad isn’t it? Yeah, I have had many a pity party just for me.

I am thinking that I need to get out of this hole that I have dug for myself.  And fast.

I cannot begin to tell you how the lack of a social life (and I’m not talking raucous parties etc. just some nice chats with friends at a restaurant or something) is slowly leading me down a path to self-destruction. And from what I gather, that will probably not be a good thing for my household.

Argh all the thinking and anxiety over this is aggravating the migraine I woke up with this morning. I think it might be a hormonal problem. That will probably be another post altogether. It probably also means a trip to my gynea. I don’t want to go. But I probably have to.*sigh*

Surprises…Who Knew?

My kids surprise me every day. Every day is new. I am astounded by the way that they cannot tolerate each other! The constant fighting (and ultimate scratches and bruising that occurs) is and can be concerning at times. But for the first time that I can actually remember clearly, something amazing happened.

Take last night. They were playing some silly (and by silly I mean it was rather cute) game. Laughter and cuteness all around. All of a sudden they start hugging. At this point my eyes were ready to pop out of my head. Could they actually like each other? It was a total change of pace from me yelling at them to stop fighting.

And then, here’s the clincher folks, N leaned over and gave A a kiss on the nose. And then again on the cheek and so the game continued. She seemed pretty damn proud of herself. I was too. A loves affection and constantly wants to have interaction with his sister. N is just not that type. She couldn’t really worry whether A was around or not. She is, to an extent, a very independent child. She does not strive to be around familiar people and to be the center of attention. If she feels the need for it, she will show it. It all really depends on her mood. And yes, my two year old daughter already has the mood thing down to a fine art!

Back to the story. So this “love fest” continued nearly all the way up to bed time. The longest I have ever seen my daughter be affectionate. I swear it was only after this was said and done that the thought occurred to me that that would have been an awesome Kodak moment. Unfortunately, as always, I am too late.

When this “event”, so to speak, will happen again I do not know. I have a feeling it might not happen again. I have to be more quick with a camera!!

Time…You Are But A Complete Bitch

Strange how in two and a half years things can change so dramatically. It’s odd to think that it’s even possible. Last night A1 and I were looking at pics of the kids when they were just babies. Cute yes, but that is not what got us. There was a pic (rare) of us holding the kids. A1 says “Is it just me or do we look younger in that photo?” And that’s when it hit me. We were old. How was it possible to age at least 5 or more years in the space of two and a half years?  I thought about it and a couple of points came to mind:

• Two and a half years ago I had the energy of five people. Now I can barely spare energy for one.
• Two and a half years ago my head looked pretty decent. I now have enough grey hair to enter a retirement village.
• Two and half years ago I could still pass for a teenager. Now I look like what the dog threw up.
• Two and a half years ago I could still go out and have a good time, come back late and still get up and make it to work on time. I now barely go out and am really even too exhausted to think about it.
• Two and a half years ago I had ambition to be the best in my career field. I now am just thankful to have a job.
• Two and a half years ago I could look in the mirror and at least smile. I now look in the mirror and want to cry.
• Two and a half years ago I managed my time well. Now if I make it to a place 15 minutes late I consider it a WIN.
• Two and a half years ago I could easily tell you the date, time and what happened anytime anywhere. Now I’m lucky if I know what day of the week it is.
• Two and a half years ago it was easy enough to go out to a restaurant to eat. Now if there is money left over (which is very rare) we might go out to eat. If we can muster the energy.
• Two and a half years ago I was solid in my mental state. Now I doubt my mental state daily.

Those are probably not all, but I reckon one can probably come to the conclusion that two and a half years ago, we didn’t have kids.

I Cant Even Think Of A Title..

I’m tired. Nope, let me rephrase that. I’m roadkill. Because tired does not begin to explain how I feel. And yes I say roadkill because I genuinely feel like I’ve been hit by an 18 wheeler going at full speed!

I need to sleep. And I mean that I-don’t-have-to-get-up-early-and-do-anything-but-stay-in-bed sleep. I woke up this morning and even though I slept its like I never went to bed! Is there and end to the total exhaustion my body is feeling right now? Maybe I should get a multi vitamin or go jogging or get some exercise, or smoke less or….forget it, I’m just too exhausted and too lazy to care.

If I make it through today, I’ll consider myself lucky!

mmmm, sleeeep!!!

The Thing Is…

The days seem to just fly by in a blur and I seem to be getting more exhausted with every waking moment. I need to sleep and yet I just can never seem to get enough. I can feel the effects taking hold. My concentration is not what it should be, I’m zoning out at the most inopportune times and I’m completely short tempered. I’m not in the mood for much and I generally have a don’t care kinda attitude towards everything. Did I mention also that for some reason for the last couple of nights I wake up at exactly 03h20am?? This is not me and I hate feeling this way. However there are just not enough hours in the evening to get a good nights rest.

My working week is what takes it out of me completely. Don’t get me wrong, I’m enjoying being employed and it’s in the field of what I want to do and although I have to start at the bottom again, I’m determined to work hard and work my way up again. Anyways my day usually resembles the following:

04h30am wake up
get washed and dressed
have breakfast
all of this takes place while trying not to wake
the kids!

06h00am fetch L
06h30am leave for work
07h30am arrive at work
16h00pm leave work
17h00pm arrive home
17h00pm take L home (A1 then takes over for a bit and
and watches the kids)

17h00pm – 18h00pm we play with kids and make their supper

18h00pm kids have their supper (have two minutes to maybe
have a coffee!)

I just have to interject here and say that we have not sat down since we got home.
Also luckily L baths them before she leaves, which is one less thing I have to worry about. Bless her.

19h00pm kids have their night bottle

20h00pm put kids to bed

20h30pm or sometimes as late as 21h00 depending on how
long kids take to fall asleep, we then decide what
is for supper.

23h00 eventually bed!

Maybe I need to figure out another way to make this work. I’m just too tired and my body is eventually gonna put hands up and scream “I SURRENDER!” We get home in the evenings and the kids always greet us with smiles and love and yet all I can think about is how long till bed time! Does that make me a bad mother? Do I need to review this routine we’ve got going on here?

I desperately do want to spend time with them when we get home, but of late I’m so exhausted I really just couldn’t be bothered and I say to myself “I’ll make it up to them on the weekend”. And really I do try my best over a weekend to spend a good amount of time doing this, but I’m also trying to maintain the house and such and sometimes it just exhausts me further. And then by Monday I’m pooped and the cycle starts all over again.

A solution needs to pop into my head soon because honestly I’m just too tired to make the effort and think.

Curiouser And Curiouser

The working world is truly a place where human nature is fickle. And honestly? I hate what people become when they let the working world consume them. It’s strange to think that some people go out of their way to make others’ lives as completely miserable as possible. This, just in order to feel good about themselves or it could just be that need for power and so forth.

Did these people start out this way? Did they from a young age feel the need to belittle the others on the play ground and be the one that comes out on top? Or is it something that is learnt as you progress on the corporate ladder? I refer to not only managers that can be this way but even colleagues.

I’m wondering about this not because something happened at work today, but just because I have been noticing the behaviour of certain people and it (rather morbidly) kind of fascinates me. Are these people just as morose in their home as they are at work? Do they treat their kids the same way?

I reckon if they aren’t these so called “power hungry” individuals in their home, is it truly necessary to be this way at work? Yes, I do know the working environment is a “dog-eat-dog” world, but there are ways and means to go about things and still getting what you want. It doesn’t always mean having to be the snide talker, the belittler, the embarreser (don’t know if that word exists), the one who thinks they have it all under control when practically everyone in his/her vicinity cannot stand him/her.

So yes, it is also a known fact that you will not always be liked by everybody all of the time. But you know what? If you deal with the situation in a manner that is acceptable, you kinda wont be hated or not liked for long. People tend to accept things better depending on how the situation is dealt with.

This post might seem completely boring, but it’s something that I’ve been thinking about ever since I started working again. It seems after nearly 2 and half years of not working, not much has changed in terms of office politics etc. Regardless of what industry you’re in.