WTF 2015?!

Before you continue reading, please note, this post contains swear words (more than normal?). Because sometimes it just seems the most appropriate way to express something. And I swear, so you’re just going to have to deal. Ok? Ok. 😉

2015, I could throat punch you. Seriously though, what the hell? You were supposed to be a year of growth and bigger and better things? You have not lived up to what I expected. I do suppose it takes two to tango and its partially my fault. But, I would like to say, if I may, I ginormous Fuck You too. And that’s me being nice. 

Ok, so its October. 
Ok, so I let 9 months pass by without so much as a blog post. 
Ok, so maybe it didn’t bother me that much?
I thought about it. Honest.  But really? I just felt that I had nothing monumental to say? Or would it matter whether I said anything at all?
And as a matter of interest, how the fuck did it get to October anyway? Where on earth did all the other months fly too? It has been somewhat of a blur I have to admit. Or maybe my brain has just decided to have an extraordinary case of the “fuckits” from the bliss of having come out of my “dark fog” as I now refer to it. 

You see, I figured I was doing ok. I figured I could wean myself off the meds when I was ready (as instructed by my specialist) because I was doing ok. I misinterpreted this extraordinary case of the “fuckits”.  As of my last checkup at the end of September, it seems I might have been a tad hasty. I was being surrounded by that “dark fog” again. And I realized that I might have been a bit too hasty in getting myself off. I didn’t give it enough time. I didn’t give myself enough time. I wanted to be whole so quickly that I didn’t take the time to focus properly on doing that. I am now back on my medication and taking it one day at a time. And I will take as long as I need to get this done properly. No short cuts this time around.

June school holidays kicked my ass. My daughter stayed in hospital for over 6 days with an infection. Six whole days ladies and gentlemen!  I damn near lost my shit. But thankfully it turned out ok in the end. Before I had a complete fucking mental break. She is fine and bubbly as ever.

I started being a bit more social again (its how I have always been, and somehow over 10 years of kids and marriage I had lost it). I rediscovered good old friends and am glad to have them still with me after all this time. I had lost touch and they were kind enough to not give up on me. Good friends indeed. 

Besides the ups and downs so far this year, I’m looking ahead. Trying to be positive. Trying. Because at the moment that is all I am capable of doing.  I am not making any promises I can’t keep, not taking on more than I can handle. Just trying. And trying is better than nothing.

2014…

So a New Year is upon us all and I am sure everybody is back in the swing of things. Work, kids back at school or perhaps first day of school and the usual chaos that ensues.
Before going back to work while on my vacation (all be it a short one)I tried to reflect on what 2013 has been like and lessons that I have learned throughout. The below are some of the major ones:

Kids will always be some kind of enigma. They are evolving constantly and as a parent, I have found at times that it is sometimes difficult to keep up. It could also be of course that I am a working mom, but nonetheless I find myself sometimes baffled by what comes out of their mouths. I am the first to admit that, yes, I at times do underestimate them in terms of their independence and perhaps I need to lay off the “molly coddling” as it were.
Lesson? Try and go with the flow (a little).

Kids are giant germ carriers. Really. Despite my best efforts, trips to the hospital emergency room were unavoidable in 2013. Also at God forsaken hours. *sigh* Lesson? Try to be less of a germaphobe and understand that kids will get sick. However personally, I draw the line when your kid is in hospital for 3 days. I had to restrain myself after that to not go into full sterile mode and put them both in plastic bubbles forever. *sigh* So, the internal battle continues.

The harder you work, the more people will take advantage of you. The lesson is that you can work hard and provide an excellent service, and just say no when necessary and valid. You are no one’s door mat and will not let the stress kill you. Mantra for 2014? “I will not stress over shit that is not within my control”. Yes, it’s a mantra, I don’t do resolutions. Whether or not this mantra stays throughout 2014 is debatable, but I shall give it a shot in order to avoid the stress and anxiety. Also, will look for another job.

Some health issues have popped up in 2013, but seems to be manageable. I hope. I have for a long time lived with endometriosis. Managed just fine with the help of my wonderful doctor. Things have progressed to a level which is different right now and that requires certain other treatment. But yes, manageable for now. Which I am happy about. Lesson? Don’t panic.

I recently took a look at my blog and found it to be somewhat on the side of just mom stuff and kid stuff and work stuff and… well anyway, you get the point. So look for big changes in 2014! New and interesting things are afoot. Granted it might take a while, but I am glad to still have you all around to experience it with.

xxx

Fresh Look…

Ok, so yes, I have been MIA for (gasp!) 3 months!
I am fully aware that this absence is just not on. Just. Not. On.
I thank those readers who have not just left me by the wayside like some blog orphan. I appreciate it so much.
So bare with me while I try and invigorate this blog that I simply cannot (and WILL NOT) leave.

Certain Facts

So work, as is the case, is slowly sapping my will to live.
To indicate to you how it has affected my health would make me sound like I needed a full on therapy session. So no, I wont bore you with the ins and outs of my mental and physical health. Just know, for all points and purposes, that I work in a hell hole. Ok? Ok!

The kids are growing so fast it is ridiculous. Go to my “about me” page and see the twin’s latest photo. Cannot believe how time has passed. I will do an full on pic blog post from the time when they were tiny tots, to now. If I can just manage to relax enough to do so. Wow.
N has lost her first tooth already and A is keen on loosing his. I had to sit him down and explain how it is NOT a good idea to just go yanking out teeth left, right and centre. Kids hear tooth fairy and their brains are: KA-CHING!!! *sigh* So basically it is this right now in my house…

KA-CHING!!

KA-CHING!!

New Look

Right, so as you will notice there is a new look to this blog site. I decided that change is as good as a holiday, and since I cant get a damn holiday I might as well refresh the look of my blog. Makes total sense.
I know in the past it has focussed a lot on the kids and gradually moving on to working mommy rants and such. But I feel it could be so much more.
So this, henceforth, will be a blog about anything and everything. A more well rounded blog, makes for a happy blog. Although this brings me to the question of what category of blog I will fall under. It used to either be “parenting” or “twin mommy” or “working mommmy”. Its now all three AND general. I might need your help on this one. Any suggestions??
Leave any ideas you have on anything in the comments. Would be great to hear what you think because right now…

Idea...

Idea…

So until then, laterz all….

I Didnt Really Notice…

Exactly what the title says. I didnt. Until today.

I got to work and usually on a Tuesday and Wednesday I am out the office consulting at various areas of the University. So I get to my area of consultation for the day and head to the bathroom. Mainly since my bladder feels like it cant hold even a drop of water these days. Anyways, that’s besides the point. I go in, do my thing and upon washing my hands, I notice my top.
Usually it has a wasted belt with it. Usually I wouldn’t need it as it would sit just fine without it.

This particular bathroom has a full length mirror. I havent stood in front of one in ages. For mental reasons I wont get into right now. But what I saw was not nice. The top now just looks like a piece of fabric I draped over in a hurry on my way out this morning. My shoulder bones and the bones just underneath my neck (the name now completely escapes me!) is protruding badly. In a nutshell, I look horrible.
At what point did the stress impact me so badly? And let me tell you it is only work stress. At home is limited. At what point did it come to where I look like I have an eating problem. I know people have commented on the weight loss, but I never see such things. Until this morning.

Now let me just be frank and say that I am an eater. I eat normally and do not have any issues regarding that. Its just that currently, I eat and it does nothing. I am thinking I would need to stock up heavily on the vitamins etc. That, or look for another job (which I am currently doing). Because lets face it folks, in todays society we cant afford to just quit work and take our time looking for other work. That just does not pan out.

The pic below is one I took last week. Still did not notice. I hate posting pics of myself, but just so you have an idea, I did not look like this 4 months ago.I still had cheeks. Trust me, I am working on this.

The Ugly Me

The Ugly Me

I Just Dont Know…

Wow. It has seriously been a long time since I have blogged anything. It’s sad actually, but somehow it seems like things have just conspired to keep me away from here. I am not amused. I miss having a good ‘ol vent session or just to blog about the arb things happening. I remember fondly of a time when I could blog almost every day or second day. Aaah, those wonderful times. I miss it. And let me just point out that it is not for a lack of anything to say that I haven’t been on here. There probably is a lot to say. It is most probably the part where I actually sit and type it all out that seems to be the snag in the situation.

It is far from arb. The things that have been happening currently. I am seriously at a complete loss and I currently feel like I am spiraling out of control into an unavoidable black hole. Descriptive enough for you? Yeah, thought so.

The world (and life in general) is trying to swallow me whole. I haven’t been this low in ages. Granted it could just be a complete hormonal imbalance (read: breakdown) and it could just end after a month or so, like it has before. The problem is what if it doesn’t?

I have been feeling a bit disorientated (my word for a little bit depressed) for a while now. I just can’t explain it really. I don’t and wouldn’t know where to even start. This past week and a half however I have just been angry. A lot. At everything, everyone and just in general angry. Ask me why? Go ahead, seriously, ask me! Truth is, I don’t know. Maybe I just have some serious underlying issues I don’t know about or it’s a serious case of hormonal imbalance that I need to have medically checked. I also have had the same damn headache on and off (more on) for the better part of 6 days now. I’ve even gone to taking herbal stress/anxiety pills just to take the edge off.

The long and short of it is that I don’t think I am ok. But what other state can I afford to be in right now? I think it affects the relationships I have.

You know, I sometimes lie to my kids to just get away from them or to just shut them up? You know, those little white lies:

Son: “Mommy, where are you going?”

Me: “Just giving the dog some water” (aka, I need a smoke)

Son: “What’s this? Mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy…….”

(Insert mental break here)

Me: “I don’t know. (I do but it is too complicated to explain and I am too exhausted) Please don’t ask again, mommy is just going to the bathroom” (I know I am fully not intending to go)

There are many of these little things that happen that will obviously ensure that I NEVER win the mother of the year award. But I really can’t be the only one right?

I can’t be the only one that would really just like to crawl into a quiet dark place and just sleep the days away. And before you think I am exaggerating, I could literally spend all day in bed if given a chance. I don’t feel like moving or doing anything really. It’s just too much effort.

I am however surprised that I have pulled myself together long enough to type this. Do I get a medal?

I hope I get to be here more often.

When On Earth Did She Get There??

This morning before the ass crack of dawn (03h37 to be precise), I felt a kicking in my lower back. Followed by a pulling of my hair. I was half asleep and completely out of it as usual. I’m mostly “out of it” these days, but that’s a WHOLE other story.

Anyways, I “swat” at whatever it is thinking it might be A1 or something to that effect. Except I hear a very light moan. I groggily turn around and to my surprise N is in the bed. WTF??

I politely kiss her head and pick her up and put her back in her bed. I sleepily retreat back to my own bed and hope that I can fall asleep again in order to just get a little more time before the 04h30 alarm for work starts to blare. I close my eyes.

Only to be awakened by the blaring sound of my alarm at what seems like 2 minutes later. WTF?? How did time speed up all of a sudden. And also to my non amusement I have N staring at me in the face again. Double WTF?? How is she so quiet in terms of sneaking into the bed? I reckon A1 and I are probably so damn tired we don’t even hear her climbing into our bed. Maybe she had a nightmare. She didn’t wake up screaming and crying at all.

And to boot just before leaving for work the power in pretty much all of where I live goes out.

Why does this feel like remnants of a Monday??

I Need To Chill…

I really need to stop working myself up over things at work.

As in seriously.

I sometimes get these headaches where it feels like my eyes are going to pop outta their sockets and my brain is going to explode. Not cool.

Then the next day I am (and this is gross) cleaning bits of blood out my nose.

I don’t have a full on nose bleed, but yup, am cleaning blood out my nose.

Possibly blood pressure I think.

Thoughts?