Its 2015…

And herewith is a breakdown of my 2014.

1) I discovered I was not just crazy
A monumental change in my life occurred in early 2014. I was diagnosed with a depressive disorder along with other minor issues. I was given validation that I wasnt just crazy and that thoughts and feelings and eventual body stress related illness was not just in my head. After being in denial so long (because me? depressed? NEEEVER), it was finally out there, and now I am on the road to recovery and a better outlook on life in general. I realised I have a husband and two kids. The dark cloud I was living under had finally given way to the light. It felt great to see clearly again.
Yes, some days are still hard, but I am managing better than I would have had I not been on medication. Its a slow progress, but one which is noticeable.

2) I got out of the hell hole
I think you all know that one of the catalysts which led to my eventual seeking of help was my job. In May 2014 I was successful in getting and starting another job in a new place. I am loving it. I now get to be closer to my kids and home and get to take them to school each morning. Its fantastic.

3) My kids are growing up
In 2014 my twins started Kindergarten (or Grade R as we call it here). In a matter of a month I noticed a complete change in them. My daughter started talking more (a lot more!) and my son also opened up a little more. They are growing so fast. Grade R was a huge success. In 2015 they move to Grade 1 (and yes, I shall cry once I see them in that uniform for the first time! Im not even ashamed to admit it). They will be in separate classes this year. I don’t mind. Its time they started to function individually as well. Its going to be an interesting year.

4) I almost didn’t become an aunt
My niece had a rough start to her life in 2014. At birth both her lungs collapsed (that’s a whole other story which I wont get into, but know that sometimes doctors are arseholes). Thank God for her pediatrician (who incidentally is also the twins pediatrician). He saved her life. You would never say that she went through that trauma 6 months on. I adore her. (I also claim she is my third child! lol)

5) I realised how fragile life really is
I will never forget the look in my cousin’s eyes at the loss of his son. Never.

6) I discovered vaping
And as a result I am cigarette free for 6 months already. Yay, me! I find I rather enjoy vaping. Such an awesome community of people too. Big thumbs up there.

7) Kids can get sick quickly
I have mentioned before about how germs picked up at school will still cause me to go completely insane and become mom to plastic bubble children. My daughter (as strangely the same in 2013), landed up in hospital for 4 days with a bacterial infection. It was a long four days. My child was sick. The sickest I’ve seen yet. Its heartbreaking. Its upsetting.
I’m trying not to be an over controlling germaphobe.

8) My house
I have been on a mission. I want to paint, and do shelving and declutter! Its slow, but it is actually going better than I thought it would. Granted, I started in the later part of 2014 with this mission, but I am carrying on with this into the New Year. I am trying to chronical some of that on my other blog. We’ll see how that goes.

2014 proved to be a challenging and yet successful year. It went quicker than I thought it would. I dont make resolutions for the New Year because I believe that if you want to do something you can start at any time you want to. The key is just to start. I wish you all a very prosperous New Year and may your dreams come true.
You can do it!!

I Didnt Really Notice…

Exactly what the title says. I didnt. Until today.

I got to work and usually on a Tuesday and Wednesday I am out the office consulting at various areas of the University. So I get to my area of consultation for the day and head to the bathroom. Mainly since my bladder feels like it cant hold even a drop of water these days. Anyways, that’s besides the point. I go in, do my thing and upon washing my hands, I notice my top.
Usually it has a wasted belt with it. Usually I wouldn’t need it as it would sit just fine without it.

This particular bathroom has a full length mirror. I havent stood in front of one in ages. For mental reasons I wont get into right now. But what I saw was not nice. The top now just looks like a piece of fabric I draped over in a hurry on my way out this morning. My shoulder bones and the bones just underneath my neck (the name now completely escapes me!) is protruding badly. In a nutshell, I look horrible.
At what point did the stress impact me so badly? And let me tell you it is only work stress. At home is limited. At what point did it come to where I look like I have an eating problem. I know people have commented on the weight loss, but I never see such things. Until this morning.

Now let me just be frank and say that I am an eater. I eat normally and do not have any issues regarding that. Its just that currently, I eat and it does nothing. I am thinking I would need to stock up heavily on the vitamins etc. That, or look for another job (which I am currently doing). Because lets face it folks, in todays society we cant afford to just quit work and take our time looking for other work. That just does not pan out.

The pic below is one I took last week. Still did not notice. I hate posting pics of myself, but just so you have an idea, I did not look like this 4 months ago.I still had cheeks. Trust me, I am working on this.

The Ugly Me

The Ugly Me

I Just Dont Know…

Wow. It has seriously been a long time since I have blogged anything. It’s sad actually, but somehow it seems like things have just conspired to keep me away from here. I am not amused. I miss having a good ‘ol vent session or just to blog about the arb things happening. I remember fondly of a time when I could blog almost every day or second day. Aaah, those wonderful times. I miss it. And let me just point out that it is not for a lack of anything to say that I haven’t been on here. There probably is a lot to say. It is most probably the part where I actually sit and type it all out that seems to be the snag in the situation.

It is far from arb. The things that have been happening currently. I am seriously at a complete loss and I currently feel like I am spiraling out of control into an unavoidable black hole. Descriptive enough for you? Yeah, thought so.

The world (and life in general) is trying to swallow me whole. I haven’t been this low in ages. Granted it could just be a complete hormonal imbalance (read: breakdown) and it could just end after a month or so, like it has before. The problem is what if it doesn’t?

I have been feeling a bit disorientated (my word for a little bit depressed) for a while now. I just can’t explain it really. I don’t and wouldn’t know where to even start. This past week and a half however I have just been angry. A lot. At everything, everyone and just in general angry. Ask me why? Go ahead, seriously, ask me! Truth is, I don’t know. Maybe I just have some serious underlying issues I don’t know about or it’s a serious case of hormonal imbalance that I need to have medically checked. I also have had the same damn headache on and off (more on) for the better part of 6 days now. I’ve even gone to taking herbal stress/anxiety pills just to take the edge off.

The long and short of it is that I don’t think I am ok. But what other state can I afford to be in right now? I think it affects the relationships I have.

You know, I sometimes lie to my kids to just get away from them or to just shut them up? You know, those little white lies:

Son: “Mommy, where are you going?”

Me: “Just giving the dog some water” (aka, I need a smoke)

Son: “What’s this? Mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy…….”

(Insert mental break here)

Me: “I don’t know. (I do but it is too complicated to explain and I am too exhausted) Please don’t ask again, mommy is just going to the bathroom” (I know I am fully not intending to go)

There are many of these little things that happen that will obviously ensure that I NEVER win the mother of the year award. But I really can’t be the only one right?

I can’t be the only one that would really just like to crawl into a quiet dark place and just sleep the days away. And before you think I am exaggerating, I could literally spend all day in bed if given a chance. I don’t feel like moving or doing anything really. It’s just too much effort.

I am however surprised that I have pulled myself together long enough to type this. Do I get a medal?

I hope I get to be here more often.

Yeah, Shoulda Seen It Coming…

Ok, I maybe should have seen this coming. To just think that it would just be tolerated was a little stupid on my part.

My girlfriends don’t invite me to girls’ nights anymore.

Frankly I don’t blame them either. There is only so many times you can hear the same answers from a person and not get annoyed and just not bother to ask anymore. I would have stopped inviting me ages ago.

Don’t get me wrong, I want to go, really! I just can’t seem to get out the damn house. I can’t leave A1 alone with the twins as I don’t think he will last that long. To essentially go out I would have to ask my mom to baby sit. This means that I can’t stay out late as I need to come and fetch them and get them into bed and, and, and!!! See how this is NOT a winning situation.

The only time I really get out and about is to actually go and do grocery shopping and the like. Sad isn’t it? Yeah, I have had many a pity party just for me.

I am thinking that I need to get out of this hole that I have dug for myself.  And fast.

I cannot begin to tell you how the lack of a social life (and I’m not talking raucous parties etc. just some nice chats with friends at a restaurant or something) is slowly leading me down a path to self-destruction. And from what I gather, that will probably not be a good thing for my household.

Argh all the thinking and anxiety over this is aggravating the migraine I woke up with this morning. I think it might be a hormonal problem. That will probably be another post altogether. It probably also means a trip to my gynea. I don’t want to go. But I probably have to.*sigh*

Why Life Will Never Be Normal…

I must be honest, I was meant to do a blog post on Friday. I was meant to do one on Saturday too. I was meant too….

 Yeah, funny how that word gets used often in my little world. I reckon the word “normal” should just be chucked out of my vocab completely. Nothing is ever normal.

 Anyways, this is pretty much my weekend round up.

 Friday was chaos as usual upon getting home. The kids (as usual. And I probably sound like a broken record already) were fighting with each other again. I just cannot take the screaming that results from their fighting. I could very well lose my mind by the end of the year. Furthermore not much else as when they eventually fell asleep it was a relaxing evening.

 Saturday was looking better. We dropped the kids off at my folks and went out for a blissful lunch. The winter sun was gorgeous as we sat on the deck of the restaurant and ordered our meal and just chatted in the peace that was sans children. I think everyone should do this once in a while. EVERYONE!

The absolute bliss that is just sitting and relaxing and having a meal with your significant other can do wonders for the soul.

But like all things that must go wrong in my life (coz Murphy is being an utter fecker again!) we went to collect the kids and hubby went off to his usual Saturday gaming club. The kids, for lack of a better word, were possessed again! They could not keep their paws off each other and were determined to kill one another. The screaming, crying etc. carried on until just before bedtime. I had to, at one stage, just walk away. For fear I might actually harm them this time around. I. Just. Walked. Away.

I was planning on doing a blog post and catching up on my emails. I, instead, went to be early with a b*tch of a migraine from the nights’ earlier “activities”.

 Sunday, was, well, Sunday. Attempt at relaxation? None. Kids on their best behavior? None. Slowly wanting to crawl into a hole and never come out again? Check.

 I’m strongly thinking of looking for a doctor of “something” to advise me on the fighting issue between my kids. I am beginning to think that this behavior is not normal. I understand that kids will fight etc. and it is a phase. But when they are doing that more often than not then I reckon it’s time for deeper investigation. The hard core truth is that I honestly don’t think they should be fighting every day. And I mean EVERY day! There is rarely a moment when they play with each other. And if one is off playing very nicely then the other will come and destroy that game and start trouble. I might have to just separate them! But when I put them apart they look for each other. Yet they can’t stand one another!

I honestly don’t know what to do….

The Rundown

I’ve gotten lost recently.

Somewhere in between my last post and now, I got lost. I got swept away in the busyness that is life and then paid an ugly price for getting too overinvolved with life. After the whole TV debacle (in which we eventually kept the TV after looooong ass war between myself and the manager and with a 10% discount included. I know I caved, I’m pathetic, but I just didn’t have any fight left in me.) I just wasn’t feeling “right”. And by “right” I mean health wise. There was something wrong, but I just couldn’t put my finger on it.

In all of this I missed doing Fluff’s Top 5 on Friday. To anyone who does read it, I shall be continuing this Friday. Thanks.

Friday last week I got tied up doing interviews. Rather an important Director position so I was well chuffed. It went down smoothly so I was even more chuffed by the end of it. That made me smile.

Saturday was our wedding anniversary. Great day. We went “out” (and by “out” I mean we just went grocery shopping and the like) without the kids. Bliss. And then came the migraine. Holy Hell, I haven’t had one like that in a while. According to A1 I was speaking like someone on drugs. And yet I hadn’t taken any. Yet. Maybe the week that I wasn’t feeling myself was leading up to this? I do not know. But I tell you what, my brain was clouded and everything since Saturday is rather a blur. Today is Tuesday and I am only now starting to feel human again. I am taking it slow for fear of any aggravation or stress might bring it back. I don’t want it back. My brain still feels bruised.

Point is, I still don’t really feel myself. I feel…odd. Unfortunately that is really the only way to describe it. Odd. Like I am waiting for something. What that something is I have no bloody idea. I am starting to get annoyed.

So there you have it folks. The rundown of where, what and how. If this makes any sense to you, I do applaud you. I just read it and I think it might not be making any sense what-so-fecking-ever!

Hopefully I will be back on the straight and narrow soon. I gotta come back down to earth sometime.

Time…You Are But A Complete Bitch

Strange how in two and a half years things can change so dramatically. It’s odd to think that it’s even possible. Last night A1 and I were looking at pics of the kids when they were just babies. Cute yes, but that is not what got us. There was a pic (rare) of us holding the kids. A1 says “Is it just me or do we look younger in that photo?” And that’s when it hit me. We were old. How was it possible to age at least 5 or more years in the space of two and a half years?  I thought about it and a couple of points came to mind:

  • Two and a half years ago I had the energy of five people. Now I can barely spare energy for one.
  • Two and a half years ago my head looked pretty decent. I now have enough grey hair to enter a retirement village.
  • Two and half years ago I could still pass for a teenager. Now I look like what the dog threw up.
  • Two and a half years ago I could still go out and have a good time, come back late and still get up and make it to work on time. I now barely go out and am really even too exhausted to think about it.
  • Two and a half years ago I had ambition to be the best in my career field. I now am just thankful to have a job.
  • Two and a half years ago I could look in the mirror and at least smile. I now look in the mirror and want to cry.
  • Two and a half years ago I managed my time well. Now if I make it to a place 15 minutes late I consider it a WIN.
  • Two and a half years ago I could easily tell you the date, time and what happened anytime anywhere. Now I’m lucky if I know what day of the week it is.
  • Two and a half years ago it was easy enough to go out to a restaurant to eat. Now if there is money left over (which is very rare) we might go out to eat. If we can muster the energy.
  • Two and a half years ago I was solid in my mental state. Now I doubt my mental state daily.

Those are probably not all, but I reckon one can probably come to the conclusion that two and a half years ago, we didn’t have kids.