I Just Dont Know…

Wow. It has seriously been a long time since I have blogged anything. It’s sad actually, but somehow it seems like things have just conspired to keep me away from here. I am not amused. I miss having a good ‘ol vent session or just to blog about the arb things happening. I remember fondly of a time when I could blog almost every day or second day. Aaah, those wonderful times. I miss it. And let me just point out that it is not for a lack of anything to say that I haven’t been on here. There probably is a lot to say. It is most probably the part where I actually sit and type it all out that seems to be the snag in the situation.

It is far from arb. The things that have been happening currently. I am seriously at a complete loss and I currently feel like I am spiraling out of control into an unavoidable black hole. Descriptive enough for you? Yeah, thought so.

The world (and life in general) is trying to swallow me whole. I haven’t been this low in ages. Granted it could just be a complete hormonal imbalance (read: breakdown) and it could just end after a month or so, like it has before. The problem is what if it doesn’t?

I have been feeling a bit disorientated (my word for a little bit depressed) for a while now. I just can’t explain it really. I don’t and wouldn’t know where to even start. This past week and a half however I have just been angry. A lot. At everything, everyone and just in general angry. Ask me why? Go ahead, seriously, ask me! Truth is, I don’t know. Maybe I just have some serious underlying issues I don’t know about or it’s a serious case of hormonal imbalance that I need to have medically checked. I also have had the same damn headache on and off (more on) for the better part of 6 days now. I’ve even gone to taking herbal stress/anxiety pills just to take the edge off.

The long and short of it is that I don’t think I am ok. But what other state can I afford to be in right now? I think it affects the relationships I have.

You know, I sometimes lie to my kids to just get away from them or to just shut them up? You know, those little white lies:

Son: “Mommy, where are you going?”

Me: “Just giving the dog some water” (aka, I need a smoke)

Son: “What’s this? Mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy…….”

(Insert mental break here)

Me: “I don’t know. (I do but it is too complicated to explain and I am too exhausted) Please don’t ask again, mommy is just going to the bathroom” (I know I am fully not intending to go)

There are many of these little things that happen that will obviously ensure that I NEVER win the mother of the year award. But I really can’t be the only one right?

I can’t be the only one that would really just like to crawl into a quiet dark place and just sleep the days away. And before you think I am exaggerating, I could literally spend all day in bed if given a chance. I don’t feel like moving or doing anything really. It’s just too much effort.

I am however surprised that I have pulled myself together long enough to type this. Do I get a medal?

I hope I get to be here more often.

Points To Ponder…

1. Contrary to popular belief, I actually am still in the realm of blogging. I think I might have just faded into the background as reality is a bitch.
2. The human body can apparently withstand mind numbing exhaustion up to a certain point. You know, that point when you dont make sense while speaking and you sound like you’ve been drugged.
3. Three year olds think they know everything.
4. No matter how you swing it, you cannot cure incompetence.
5. After 30 times of asking, it is always the one time you dont ask that a kid needs to pee.
6. There will always be that one thing on your grocery list that you will not find/get.
7. Just because you are in a certain high level position does not give you the right to be a complete dick.
8. With reference to point 7: Just because you obtained said position by doing fuckall still does not give you the right to be a complete dick.
9. Just when you think you couldn’t sweat any more in the summer heat…
10. Sleep is only sleep if there isn’t a foot in your rib or a hand slapping your face.

 

When You Finally Do Sleep…

The shit hits the fan. Always.

I fell into bed last night exhausted beyond measure and slept. I didn’t even dream. Nothing. Just blank and slept. Needless to say I slept to the point of not hearing my alarm go off this morning for work. I slept right through it. A full solid hour right through it. 

A1 woke me up. I usually wake up and sort a light breakfast then wake him up. He woke me up to witch I shot up out of bed and headed to the bathroom (I hate waking up in a rush. It destroys my inner karma for the day). A1 sorted out the light breakfast. Love him.

Because of the alarm blaring away both kids were up and about. It is difficult for both of us to try and get ready in the mornings with twin 3 year olds. It just doesn’t work.

So getting out of the house this morning was a mission. My eyes still hurt and I still feel groggy. My motivation for work is sitting at 0% and my mood sucks. Added to this the blistering heat (mostly humid) and I want to claw the walls. 

But thankfully today seems to be quiet (holds thumbs that it stays that way) and I am also pretty much keeping to myself. Nobody has popped by unannounced to my office to bother with crap I am really not in the mood for. So all in all this day might actually improve.

Think I’ll go make me a cup of coffee. (yes I know it’s hot, but I managed to track down a fan and put it in my office! Yay me!)

A New Year, With Some Kind Of New Outlook…

So the working week has finally begun after a well-deserved (and I don’t think I am tooting my own horn here) break.

This is my first post for 2012 as I took a break from blogging as well. I felt I needed to come back refreshed and attempt to have a positive outlook for the year ahead. The slog that was 2011 is behind me and I am trying to get things better all around.

The Festive Season had its fair share of drama that makes me cringe when I think about it.

We went to the in-laws for Christmas day lunch and the kids and family had a wonderful time. Only for A1, myself and A to be struck by food poisoning 24hrs later.

Note: ok, so maybe it was anywhere between 8 – 10 hrs later. And yes it was food poisoning. Some name that is long and complicated to spell and that activates within 8 – 10 hrs of ingesting said infected food (I googled clearly). Was. Not. Amused. The debilitating cramps sucked.

Luckily A had the mild version so wasn’t as sick. N didn’t have it because she is a fussy eater. I had a medium case and A1 had it worse out of all of us. It took the rest of the bloody week for the crap feeling and cramps to subside. Like literally a day before we were to spend New Year’s day lunch at the in-laws.  We survived.

After all of this we finally got to get a bit of a vacation at the coast. Ok, so we live at the coast, but we went to another area of the coast for our holiday. It was hot weather all around. The kids had a blast. We were sunburnt and exhausted. But the kids had fun. We suffered through a terrible tantrum at the mall. But the kids had fun. We didn’t get to do half of what we wanted to do. But the kids had fun. Did I mention we were exhausted? But the bloody kids had fun!

And so this brings me back to where I started. Yes, the work week has begun and so far so good (except for not being able to log into my pc for the first part of the morning. Amazingly I have remained somewhat calm). I am attempting to keep a positive outlook on this and not be as hell bent to put myself into the hospital suffering from a stroke. I will take things at a pace where I will do what I am capable of in the time I have allocated. I will also not be walked all over and will not shut up when I see that things are bordering on bloody ridiculous. Enough is enough and I will NOT be a doormat.

So here is to a super and productive if not zen 2012 folks!

I Clearly Never Thought This Through…

Bribery always comes back to bite you on the ass.

Don’t believe me? Well this is how it goes in my household at the moment…

A while ago I was at my wits end trying to get A to eat his supper. I then (in a momentary lapse of judgment) said: “if you eat this I’ve got a surprise for you”. Yes folks, I had resorted to bribing my child. I was tired as hell and just didn’t have the mental capacity for the all-out battle that would ensue over supper. So I just went the easy root. (Insert minus points on the Mom of the Year Award tally).

You realize that A has the most amazing memory thing going for a two year old. He will remember things that happened two weeks ago, whereas I sometimes can’t remember something from two days ago! Anyways the situation is now that whenever A1 or myself say “Please won’t you just eat this, go to sleep, pick that up, stop hitting your sister etc. etc. etc.” he then just retorts “then surprise!”

Sometimes I just suck at this parenting game.

Wordless Wednesday…(Yeah, I know)

I know its not Wednesday, but I’m a bit behind as of late. This should explain why….

 

*Credits to owner. You took the words right out of my mouth. I reckon I was too tired to even say it! 😉

I’m Not Done…

You have probably been wondering (or not) where I have been.

No, I have not decided to disappear from the blogging and twittering world.

Life just kind of swept me up and I kinda went along with it. I also got lazy. Which isn’t a good thing when it comes to the wonderful world of blogging.

I, for some reason, just completely ran out of something to write. Meanwhile little things here and there have been going on that isn’t enough for one blog post. However if I combine the little things it would make one loooong blog post.

That will come soon, I promise.

I just need to kind of find my will to want to write.  The lazy bug has completely made me its slave. I am at its command and I am struggling to break free. The lazy bug and the tired bug have been at war lately. I reckon, to be more precise, I am co-owned by these two. It’s ridiculous, I know, but I think that is pretty much the best way to describe it.

So in a nutshell what I am saying is, please don’t leave me!! I will be back soon and you will probably get sick of me!

As a distraction(and to say sorry), here is a cute pic! 😉

I Want Sleep….

I get up this morning for work and I just am so tired. Granted I have been tired for the last two years and 8 months, but that’s beside the point. I. Am. Tired.

When I lay my head down to sleep at night I am out like a light. Unless I am having one of those days where the voices inside my head won’t let me go to sleep. They babble about all sorts of things. “Did you remember this” “Did you do that” “Why won’t you do this” “I don’t think you need to do this” “Those kids are going to be the death of you” “Why don’t you just run away, nobody will notice” “It’s ok, you will just have to stay fat forever, you cow”. You know, the usual. I end up having a restless night because of this. Or I grind my teeth. Much to A1’s  annoyance concern. It is sometimes so loud I actually wake him.

Yes folks I will have no teeth by 35! The joys!

Then of course there are my completely F**ked up dreams. I mean to the point that they sometimes scare the crap out of me. It’s not like wake up sweating in the middle of the night type stuff, because sometimes I am so deep into sleep that I “see” the whole dream through. And that is more terrifying than anything else. I will not go into it here because frankly I do not want to remember what they are about and I have mentally blocked them.

What I wouldn’t give for uninterrupted sleep without alarms going off and to just wake up whenever it is I wake up. No dreams, no grinding of teeth, no noise. Just utter peace.