A Little Bit Of Randomness…

I can’t seem to focus on one thing lately. It’s like so many things to think of and get done, that I’m just too tired to care. Make sense? Yeah, me neither.

My brain has become totally stagnant of late. I probably have a bunch of things that would sound perfectly blog worthy, but nothing that springs to mind in terms of a full blog post. Random little bits of shit that goes on in my head that couldn’t fill one blog post. So you know what? I’m putting all of it into one blog post. At least it is out of my head and I can clear some space for some kind of epiphany to hit. Scratch that. Any bit of space right now is probably more than welcome.

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I wish I really didn’t have to come to this hell hole I am currently working in. Granted I suppose every place has its issues. But issues regarding competency of staff and not enough staff to deal with the work load is bordering on ridiculous. It is also now the wrong time of year to start looking for a new job as people want to hold onto theirs to receive that all important 13th cheque so that they can survive the dry mid December to January month up until January pay day. This won’t happen for me as I am still on contract and clearly we don’t count. The post has been advertised and shortlisting has begun. We now wait and see. I’m not being positive on this one.

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It’s gradually becoming hotter. And I am gradually becoming more agitated. This being over and above my normal agitated, anxiety stricken, angered state.

It is a well-known fact (one that I think I have bitched often about) that Summer and myself are born enemies. The heat is just too much and once we really get that Summer heat coming our way, I don’t foresee it being a pleasant experience.

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My son is of the fact that he has superior knowledge to anyone else. For a 3 yo who will be four in November, he speaks like a 6/7 year old. He sometimes even sits with his foot crossed on his knee. It’s like he is this tiny old man. It’s borderline freakish sometimes.

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Remember that moment when I said that my daughter doesn’t speak much? I should have shut the hell up then and have been f*&^en thankful for it. She is now loud and obnoxious to a point where I feel the last threads of my humanity slipping away and turning me into the “Mommy Beast”. Maybe it’s not all that bad though. I reckon she just picks her moments of conversation (read: loudness) at the time when mommy is at her mental weakest. I swear she is psychic.

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I have this notion that I might have some slight depression going on. Or maybe I just have bouts of irrationality. Is the first step admitting it? Or is it just something that happens to gradually build up to a point where you think, I just can’t do this anymore. I’m looking into the solutions…

I Just Dont Know…

Wow. It has seriously been a long time since I have blogged anything. It’s sad actually, but somehow it seems like things have just conspired to keep me away from here. I am not amused. I miss having a good ‘ol vent session or just to blog about the arb things happening. I remember fondly of a time when I could blog almost every day or second day. Aaah, those wonderful times. I miss it. And let me just point out that it is not for a lack of anything to say that I haven’t been on here. There probably is a lot to say. It is most probably the part where I actually sit and type it all out that seems to be the snag in the situation.

It is far from arb. The things that have been happening currently. I am seriously at a complete loss and I currently feel like I am spiraling out of control into an unavoidable black hole. Descriptive enough for you? Yeah, thought so.

The world (and life in general) is trying to swallow me whole. I haven’t been this low in ages. Granted it could just be a complete hormonal imbalance (read: breakdown) and it could just end after a month or so, like it has before. The problem is what if it doesn’t?

I have been feeling a bit disorientated (my word for a little bit depressed) for a while now. I just can’t explain it really. I don’t and wouldn’t know where to even start. This past week and a half however I have just been angry. A lot. At everything, everyone and just in general angry. Ask me why? Go ahead, seriously, ask me! Truth is, I don’t know. Maybe I just have some serious underlying issues I don’t know about or it’s a serious case of hormonal imbalance that I need to have medically checked. I also have had the same damn headache on and off (more on) for the better part of 6 days now. I’ve even gone to taking herbal stress/anxiety pills just to take the edge off.

The long and short of it is that I don’t think I am ok. But what other state can I afford to be in right now? I think it affects the relationships I have.

You know, I sometimes lie to my kids to just get away from them or to just shut them up? You know, those little white lies:

Son: “Mommy, where are you going?”

Me: “Just giving the dog some water” (aka, I need a smoke)

Son: “What’s this? Mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy…….”

(Insert mental break here)

Me: “I don’t know. (I do but it is too complicated to explain and I am too exhausted) Please don’t ask again, mommy is just going to the bathroom” (I know I am fully not intending to go)

There are many of these little things that happen that will obviously ensure that I NEVER win the mother of the year award. But I really can’t be the only one right?

I can’t be the only one that would really just like to crawl into a quiet dark place and just sleep the days away. And before you think I am exaggerating, I could literally spend all day in bed if given a chance. I don’t feel like moving or doing anything really. It’s just too much effort.

I am however surprised that I have pulled myself together long enough to type this. Do I get a medal?

I hope I get to be here more often.

Where For Art Thou BlackBerry??

Ok, so by now I think EVERYONE knows that the Blackberry services are down. Crashed. Dead. Whatever.

What the people who are fixing (or attempting to, whatever) it fail to realize is that I am dying a slow death. Literally. I am lost. I can’t get on Twitter or Facebook. And my emails are not coming up as speedy as I would like them to or I am missing emails entirely! I am losing my mind.

Why don’t I use the normal net you may ask? Well, here in South Africa the cost of data is ridiculous. To spend an hour or more on a normal pc on the net just costs too much. Yes, there are data packages that can give you ample data per month, but not everybody can afford that. We have a nice 500mb data plan and it suits us just fine. We have Blackberry’s you see.

Which brings me back to my point.

They. Need. To. Friggen. Fix. The. Problem.

And soon.

Paranoid Irrationality…

I have issues. I am the first to admit it.

You see my paranoia levels as well as my levels of irrationality are not on the normal scale.

I think that I am generally way too overboard with certain things. Maybe it also borders on hypochondria?  Who knows?

I have many of them.

Some for example relate to health….

 

 

 

 

Some relate to food…

 

 

 

And some relate to my kids…

 

These are just SOME. I have MANY.

Yeah, I know, I got issues.

A Little Reflection

I had some grand post planned. I really did. Something meaningful and wise and wonderful. In truth. I have nothing. I cannot think of one damn thing to say that will sound profound. So I will focus on something of an average nature. Something that maybe will make me smile. Things I have come to realize in my lifetime. Yeah, that’ll do.

You see, today folks, I celebrate my 30th Birthday.

I had some idea of what I wanted to say to my 20 year old self, but then thought about it and came to the conclusion to focus not on the past as such and more on what I have learned in my 30 years of existence.

Either way, here it goes:

I have learned that you can have all the patience in the world. Up until you have children of course. Because somehow, it just seems to dangle by a thread or disappear completely.

I have learned that no matter how sick you are, you will always carry on to see to the needs of your family.

I have learned that no matter what crap day you have had, coming home to smiling faces and kisses can mean the world.

I have learned that no matter how hard you struggle, you will find a way to come out on top in the end.

I have learned that you can be pushed to your limits and be close to a psychotic break and yet still remain sane enough to change a nappy.

I have learned that having that moment with your partner where you laugh together for a good solid five minutes is like heaven.

I have learned that I have aged exponentially faster than what I would have liked. My hair is about at grey as the average 50 year old. My knees and joints are permanently not happy with me. My back hates me. And the dark circles under my eyes make me look like an extra from any one of those zombie movies.

I have come to appreciate sleep.

I am thankful that I have the ability to put the brakes on just before I am about to snap and become some psycho mom.

I have come to learn that I am not alone in this battle (and sometimes blissful) period that is motherhood. I am glad that I am not the only one who thinks the same way I do. And I appreciate all the women who stand up and admit that motherhood is not all it’s cracked up to be.

I have come to learn that no matter what the age, kids will always attempt to outsmart you. The key is to get smarter. 😉

I have learned to appreciate the little things.

I have come to understand that I will never be perfect, but that that fact shouldn’t stop me from aiming high.

I wanted to do 30 of these, but I got tired/distracted again. But I think I have managed to learn quite a bit. 😉

A Little Less Thought…

I dont have much to say these days.

Its like I have almost retreated inside myself for inner reflection. Or some crap like that.

Truth is I’m still thinking about N’s upcoming little surgery on Thursday. I am still nervous. Not really coz of the procedure itself. I think that takes at the longest 20 minutes or so. I’m more concerned over her reaction to anesthetic. I’m sure she will be fine. Groggy but fine. But my paranoia and total irrationality is starting to over power me.

Since I heard she has to go in, it has been a battle between my common sense and these two evil mind terrors. Common Sense is getting weak. But shall not give up. I am truly thankful for that. Battered and bruised Common Sense shall over come and win the war!

I am also, as you can see, slightly losing the plot a bit…. :O

And now, time to have a laugh, to make us (me) feel a bit lighter.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*credits to owners

The Art Of Remaining Level Headed Escapes Me…

So we all wake up relatively early yesterday morning to get ready for N’s ENT Specialist appointment.

 We had to wake her up! Every other bloody morning she is up at sparrow fart, but yesterday morning? Nope, we had to wake her. She seemed ok. And what I mean is that she wasn’t in a crap mood (coz she can be, which would have made yesterday a terrible experience) and I breathed a sigh of relief.

We had to sneak out of the house, so A (who stayed with L) would not have a fit coz he didn’t get to “go out”. We were finally off and made it to the ENT’s office in good time.

N played in the waiting room with the kids’ stuff and we were the only ones there. The doc arrived like 15 minutes late for our appt. I hate waiting especially when it has to do with my kid. But I sucked it up and we went in.

N was such a trooper and sat (to my amazement) quite still on my lap while doc checked her ears, nose and throat. Granted he was really good with her and played with her to make her comfortable. That made me relax somewhat.

I tensed up again when he sent us to get X-Rays of N’s nasal passages to check her adenoids. She had never been before and I was extremely nervous of her reaction.

Don’t you think my baby takes it like a trooper? Hellyes!! She lay nice and still on the table, even when the X-Ray chick held her head to position it correctly. She didn’t make a peep. No moaning or crying! I was so proud!

Side note: clearly I come from the age of still waiting to get X-Ray slides. Apparently they now email the scans straight to the doc and you don’t have to wait for an eternity! Who Knew?

Back in the docs office and he shows us N’s adenoids are highly enlarged. My heart sank. I knew where this was going.

The gap in her nasal passages left for her to breathe is only about 1mm!

She would have to have them removed.

I wanted to cry right there. Although it’s a painless procedure she still has to go under anesthetic. I have to go into the theatre with her until they knock her out and then leave them to do their thing. I don’t think I’m strong enough. I don’t know how she will be when she wakes up. I’m paranoid and irrational and the thought makes me get a lump in my throat.

She goes in next Thursday. I have to mentally prepare myself. She can’t have anything to eat before the op. We have to be at the hospital at 7am. Meaning we wake her up and get ready and if she wants something we have to completely not give her anything. My heart breaks.

I’m gonna be a wreck.

Now to add to this A has a cold. Might be flu but am determined not to let it get that far. So sleeping is rough at the moment. And we now have to make sure that N doesn’t catch it. Right, how well do you think that is going to work???

And did I mention we got car back after clutch cable snapped? Repairs cost over R3000!

I’m starting to feel slightly unstable here. But I need to hold it together. I need to not just go ahead and scream. I need to not have a complete meltdown and go hide in a corner.

I need to.