WTF 2015?!

Before you continue reading, please note, this post contains swear words (more than normal?). Because sometimes it just seems the most appropriate way to express something. And I swear, so you’re just going to have to deal. Ok? Ok. 😉

2015, I could throat punch you. Seriously though, what the hell? You were supposed to be a year of growth and bigger and better things? You have not lived up to what I expected. I do suppose it takes two to tango and its partially my fault. But, I would like to say, if I may, I ginormous Fuck You too. And that’s me being nice. 

Ok, so its October. 
Ok, so I let 9 months pass by without so much as a blog post. 
Ok, so maybe it didn’t bother me that much?
I thought about it. Honest.  But really? I just felt that I had nothing monumental to say? Or would it matter whether I said anything at all?
And as a matter of interest, how the fuck did it get to October anyway? Where on earth did all the other months fly too? It has been somewhat of a blur I have to admit. Or maybe my brain has just decided to have an extraordinary case of the “fuckits” from the bliss of having come out of my “dark fog” as I now refer to it. 

You see, I figured I was doing ok. I figured I could wean myself off the meds when I was ready (as instructed by my specialist) because I was doing ok. I misinterpreted this extraordinary case of the “fuckits”.  As of my last checkup at the end of September, it seems I might have been a tad hasty. I was being surrounded by that “dark fog” again. And I realized that I might have been a bit too hasty in getting myself off. I didn’t give it enough time. I didn’t give myself enough time. I wanted to be whole so quickly that I didn’t take the time to focus properly on doing that. I am now back on my medication and taking it one day at a time. And I will take as long as I need to get this done properly. No short cuts this time around.

June school holidays kicked my ass. My daughter stayed in hospital for over 6 days with an infection. Six whole days ladies and gentlemen!  I damn near lost my shit. But thankfully it turned out ok in the end. Before I had a complete fucking mental break. She is fine and bubbly as ever.

I started being a bit more social again (its how I have always been, and somehow over 10 years of kids and marriage I had lost it). I rediscovered good old friends and am glad to have them still with me after all this time. I had lost touch and they were kind enough to not give up on me. Good friends indeed. 

Besides the ups and downs so far this year, I’m looking ahead. Trying to be positive. Trying. Because at the moment that is all I am capable of doing.  I am not making any promises I can’t keep, not taking on more than I can handle. Just trying. And trying is better than nothing.

With The Best Of Intentions

You know, I actually had two posts that I wanted to post as part of my “I’m going to at least blog once a week” thing. Turns out, I didn’t finish either post. But even though it might not seem relevant down the line, I will get to posting it.

We sometimes do and say things with the best of intentions and yet sometimes it doesn’t work out. I hate it. I really do. As much as what I am guilty of it, I hate it. Its that spiraling out of control feeling that I hate too. Not my thing.

Currently I am as sick as a dog. Seriously, I’m sick. I somehow have caught the worst cold/flu that I have caught in years. And how am I dealing with it? A little bit of self medicating, not so much sleep with a dose of still going in to work on the side. Yeah, that is the perfect recipe for getting better. Strange how that “best of intentions” thing comes back to haunt you. You want to get the work done knowing if you don’t do it, no one will. And of course you’ll just end up in the crap again. And yet? You’re coughing so hard you end up puking. Yup folks, that’s exactly how it went down. At least I made it to the bathroom just in time.

This whole post pretty much sounds like one giant pity party, so I am going to add some great news right here: At least the kids aren’t sick! (This is where you knock on wood for me ok?)

A Little Bit Of Randomness…

I can’t seem to focus on one thing lately. It’s like so many things to think of and get done, that I’m just too tired to care. Make sense? Yeah, me neither.

My brain has become totally stagnant of late. I probably have a bunch of things that would sound perfectly blog worthy, but nothing that springs to mind in terms of a full blog post. Random little bits of shit that goes on in my head that couldn’t fill one blog post. So you know what? I’m putting all of it into one blog post. At least it is out of my head and I can clear some space for some kind of epiphany to hit. Scratch that. Any bit of space right now is probably more than welcome.

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I wish I really didn’t have to come to this hell hole I am currently working in. Granted I suppose every place has its issues. But issues regarding competency of staff and not enough staff to deal with the work load is bordering on ridiculous. It is also now the wrong time of year to start looking for a new job as people want to hold onto theirs to receive that all important 13^th cheque so that they can survive the dry mid December to January month up until January pay day. This won’t happen for me as I am still on contract and clearly we don’t count. The post has been advertised and shortlisting has begun. We now wait and see. I’m not being positive on this one.

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It’s gradually becoming hotter. And I am gradually becoming more agitated. This being over and above my normal agitated, anxiety stricken, angered state.

It is a well-known fact (one that I think I have bitched often about) that Summer and myself are born enemies. The heat is just too much and once we really get that Summer heat coming our way, I don’t foresee it being a pleasant experience.

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My son is of the fact that he has superior knowledge to anyone else. For a 3 yo who will be four in November, he speaks like a 6/7 year old. He sometimes even sits with his foot crossed on his knee. It’s like he is this tiny old man. It’s borderline freakish sometimes.

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Remember that moment when I said that my daughter doesn’t speak much? I should have shut the hell up then and have been f*&^en thankful for it. She is now loud and obnoxious to a point where I feel the last threads of my humanity slipping away and turning me into the “Mommy Beast”. Maybe it’s not all that bad though. I reckon she just picks her moments of conversation (read: loudness) at the time when mommy is at her mental weakest. I swear she is psychic.

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I have this notion that I might have some slight depression going on. Or maybe I just have bouts of irrationality. Is the first step admitting it? Or is it just something that happens to gradually build up to a point where you think, I just can’t do this anymore. I’m looking into the solutions…

Paranoid Irrationality…

I have issues. I am the first to admit it.

You see my paranoia levels as well as my levels of irrationality are not on the normal scale.

I think that I am generally way too overboard with certain things. Maybe it also borders on hypochondria?  Who knows?

I have many of them.

Some for example relate to health….

 

 

 

 

Some relate to food…

 

 

 

And some relate to my kids…

 

These are just SOME. I have MANY.

Yeah, I know, I got issues.

Wordless Wednesday…..With Words (aka: WTF Wednesday)

Hi! My name is Yasmin and I swear (or at least in this messed up head of mine) I suffer from narcolepsy.

No. I am being serious.

We had a meeting/training session the other day and I fell asleep not once, not twice, but three times. I am hoping no one noticed. Well, no one has said anything so I reckon they either are embarrassed for my part or they are just letting it go. It wasn’t long moments of napping though. I mean like less than 60 seconds. But I reckon it was noticeable. I mean it was such a nip of a nap but the person talking faded completely. I am embarrassed to say the least.

Amazingly my colleagues were more focused at our fellow colleague across the table who was also having a nap. I guess sometimes it’s good to be irrelevant. I am sure the person conducting the meeting/training session had full view of me though, so I doubt that she didn’t notice it.

I have, as before and as always, mentioned that I am tired. This week and most of last week is of epic proportions. I’m just exhausted. As in totally exhausted. I have started to now just doze off at my desk too! I mean, don’t get me wrong, it is not like I am not busy. It is hectic here at the moment as end of academic year will be upon us before we know it. So its rock and roll all the way. But my exhaustion is probably going to kill me first. I swear on my life I have never been this drained before.

Added to the other issues as of late, and I am probably a walking mess at the moment. I cannot concentrate for more than half an hour at a stretch and will then need to do something like take a walk to appease my back (that’s another whole issue altogether btw). Then of course it’s the forgetfulness. Complete and unabashed forgetfulness. If I don’t wright it down on the one day, I will not remember it the next day. I constantly feel like I have had a HUGE meal, when in actual fact I haven’t eaten in a couple of hours (and no it is not constipation. I am actually perfectly fine in that department thanks.) . There are a number of other things (which concern me) which I care not to write about right now (I might at some point) that contribute to my head being a mess. 

But I shall take it in my stride. One day at a time. Actually I am lying. I mean one hour at a time, because that is all I have the ability to do right now.

 If anyone has any freaking idea what is happening to me (maybe I’m turning into a Zombie) feel free to email me:  alittlelessfluff@gmail.com

Seriously? Seriously!

Oh my word! I really, really, really have some serious issues. I’m thinking it might actually be slightly sad and pathetic right about now.

I think by now I have made my aversion to mosquitoes quite clear. I don’t like them; I never have and never will.

Which brings me to the situation I found myself in a few minutes ago.

I head off to the bathroom at work (because I have had waaaay to much coffee in a short space of time!) and head into the stall. The tiny window is open. Why when it is freezing outside I do not know. Anyways, I walk in, lock the door, and there on the wall above the cistern sits a big ass mosquito. I freeze. I have just heard someone else walk in so the other stall (there are only two in this particular bathroom) is occupied. I remain motionless. Staring at the big ass mosquito and wondering how the hell I was going to pull this off.

I had one of two options:

I could attempt to swat it, but Murphy is always in the wings and I will inevitably miss and then pant and grunt as I attempt to re catch and swat it in a tiny bathroom stall. This of course will give the impression to the occupier of stall number two that the occupier of stall number one (aka me) has somewhat of a stomach issue and will want to find out if I am ok. Now I don’t know about you, but I am not cool with “chatting” to people from a bathroom stall. Whether it be at work or the mall (side note: I will attempt to the best of my ability to avoid a mall bathroom. But that is a whole other post altogether), I just don’t dig it.

Option two of course would be to leave said stall and come back later when occupier of stall two has left. But this would be really strange as nothing has been happening in stall one which occupier of stall two might find strange. Wait! I could fake flush the toilet to make it look like I was done and then come back later. Yes! That could work!

I must just mention that at least 4 minutes have passed and that it was nearly past the time that an average person would go to the toilet to do a “number 1”. I also have still been maintaining eye contact with said bug of death and destruction and have not budged an inch. I also realized I have kind of been holding my breath a bit. Which made me fall slightly backwards into the door, which caused somewhat of a loud banging echo!

F*&k!

Silence from stall number two.

THANK YOU!!

I was going to go with option two. It seemed viable. But then my bladder clearly had other ideas as in between having the coffee I have just been so busy I have not gone in a while. I should’ve by this point have gone like an hour or so back already.

So I decided with option 1.

I missed.

I said over a dozen curse words under my breath.

Luckily for me the bug of death and destruction merrily flew out the tiny window. To which I obviously shut it. By this time occupier of stall two had flushed and was nearly out the door. I merrily carried on with my business and hoped I would run in to no one in the passage.

I really need to get over the mosquito issue. But in all reality we all know I never will.

I Need Sleep….Part 2

In my previous post I stated how tired I was. This brought me to the realisation that today I have pretty much been a walking disaster!

I firstly damn near broke my ankle while walking into work this morning. Hurt like hell but thankfully I seemed to recover from said stumble and not break or sprain anything.

I then proceeded (in two separate incidents) to knock my knees against the corner of my desk while wanting to go fetch documents I had printed from the copy machine. I now have two very annoying bruises.

I then tried to fix a paper jam in said copier and sliced my finger open. I also didn’t know this until I tried to wipe the toner off the side of my hand and the area started to burn. Also my other hand had blood all over. How such a tiny cut could bleed like that I have no idea.

Maybe all of this is a hint that my body will probably shut down sooner or later.

I Want Sleep….

I get up this morning for work and I just am so tired. Granted I have been tired for the last two years and 8 months, but that’s beside the point. I. Am. Tired.

When I lay my head down to sleep at night I am out like a light. Unless I am having one of those days where the voices inside my head won’t let me go to sleep. They babble about all sorts of things. “Did you remember this” “Did you do that” “Why won’t you do this” “I don’t think you need to do this” “Those kids are going to be the death of you” “Why don’t you just run away, nobody will notice” “It’s ok, you will just have to stay fat forever, you cow”. You know, the usual. I end up having a restless night because of this. Or I grind my teeth. Much to A1’s  annoyance concern. It is sometimes so loud I actually wake him.

Yes folks I will have no teeth by 35! The joys!

Then of course there are my completely F**ked up dreams. I mean to the point that they sometimes scare the crap out of me. It’s not like wake up sweating in the middle of the night type stuff, because sometimes I am so deep into sleep that I “see” the whole dream through. And that is more terrifying than anything else. I will not go into it here because frankly I do not want to remember what they are about and I have mentally blocked them.

What I wouldn’t give for uninterrupted sleep without alarms going off and to just wake up whenever it is I wake up. No dreams, no grinding of teeth, no noise. Just utter peace.

A Little More Patience

I used to have an endless amount of patience. I used to be calm and serene and it would take a lot to really tick me off.

In the 2 years and 8 months since becoming a mom I have completely lost that. I mean completely. There’s not even a bit hanging by a thread. That broke a long time ago.

I now lose it for almost anything. This is solely because of the kids. I know it sounds bad to blame them, but its the honest truth. I’m laying it out here for everyone to read. Its because of them I have no patience left and that it has filtered into not having patience with the outside world.

I have become “that” customer. You know the one. The one who has a total flap when the slightest bit of service is not satisfactory. I hate myself for it sometimes, as sometimes it is worthy of just letting it go but I cannot control it.

I have spent the majority of the day being a bad parent. Yelling at the kids for their fighting, climbing and touching on things. I should’ve been able to handle this better. Should’ve being the operative word. I couldn’t. I lost all sense of composure.

I don’t know if I will ever be able to recover that “me” that could handle a situation without the dragon lady (aka bitch) making an appearance. I am totally irrational and will inevitably be in a crap mood the rest of the day.

I reckon only time will tell whether there is hope for me or not.

A Bit Of Randomness…

At the moment I feel like I have nothing important to say. Nothing to make a person giggle or think about. It’s like everything in my head is like a jumble and I am running on auto. Maybe I have stuff to say but it is probably rather random. I reckon I might be in one of those self-pity modes.

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I have to sometimes laugh at my son. He has such an interesting and, I would presume, very vivid imagination. I sometimes watch him play and the facial expressions when he in the throes of playing “some army game” or other (we got him a pack of those little green army men. You know, the ones they show in Toy Story? He loves it!). He is in the moment and feigns injury to boot! In his little mind it really is a life or death situation “out there” to survive. He does however need to work on his “ninja stealth”.

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My daughter is slowly improving with her speaking ability. Although not clear, we can kind of understand what she is saying now. She still sometimes babbles like a baby when she is over excited, but when she gets down to it, we can understand her. So happy about this. Hopefully we won’t have to investigate the speech therapist avenue.

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I did actually have a giggle last night though. We have been speaking to the kids about the potty (as you may well know). It seems N couldn’t really care less and is just on her own mission. A on the other hand repeatedly says “potty now mommy” AFTER he has made a poo or wee etc. I don’t think he grasps it so well. He even does this cute action where he bends his knees and says “me go sit on the potty”. But he is not even near it!

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L has told me that the twins have made new friends with the two kids down the road from our house. The little girl is two and the boy is (I can’t remember so clearly) about 7 or 8. A has taken a total shining to this little boy and they seem, according to L, to play very well together. I’m not sure if I should be worried about the age difference though. N and the little girl play nicely together, but N has this nasty habit of grabbing whatever the little girl has and immediately wants it as her own. I think I need to work on the “it’s not yours and if you want to play with it you ask” speech.  It might be beneficial in helping her “play well with others”. Would hate for “Does Not Play Well With Others” to appear on her grading card one day.

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I have been getting more than a bit annoyed at work lately. Maybe it is just me, but I hate looking incompetent to others when it’s something that is totally not in my control or my decision to make! Also, it turns out that some people are inherently deaf when it comes to your point of view when it is something they want. How did society in general become so self-absorbed?

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I am yearning for a good book to read! And when I say yearning for one I mean I would like some time to actually read one! I have some books at the moment at home that I would love to start reading, but alas, time is totally not on my side. Exhaustion is also a factor. By the time the kids have gone down for the night I am not even sure if I know how to read. Must make a plan though. Then again, I say that often too.

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The level of my tiredness has reached epic proportions. I find myself zoning out at work. Not actually falling asleep, but kind of just “being” there in body and my mind is totally somewhere else. Need to concentrate more but there are days when I actually don’t care. I can’t really even work on the computer for more than 20 minutes at a stretch without my eyes watering and becoming bloodshot. I look like someone who had a little too much the night before! And I don’t even drink!