The Supposed Birthday Post…

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This was meant to happen on Friday. But clearly, I didn’t get to it.
Ok, so yes, another year older and a year…wait, wiser wouldn’t be the word. Healthier? That I am less likely to kill someone? Whereby I feel more in control of my life than I have in the last two? Where stress is not THE major catalyst that will end me(its still there, its just not the thing that’s going to prematurely bring about my demise)? I don’t know.

On Friday 29 August I became another year older. I should imagine this would be, as most birthdays should be, time to party. You know what? It didn’t phase me. I could have cared less that I was indeed another year older. Thankful for another year on earth, but that was about it. Usually, I am rather upbeat about my birthday. Usually. This year was kind of like just any other day. Normal. Absolutely normal. I just didn’t “feel” it.
I had so much love from friends’ wishes that it was wonderful and heartwarming and again I was thankful. But, I just didn’t “feel” it. You know?

Is that what happens when you grow up? (I never really wanted to do that growing up part). Or is it that a birthday (mine) just does not hold any weight with me anymore. Would that be considered weird? When I reread that part, it really did make me sound like I fell off the crazy bus. Granted, I have been on the bus more than what was considered normal, but this time, I was nowhere near. I just wasn’t into it. And it was just a pretty normal day.
Its just that I had life to do. You know, working, being mom, life. Whether that sounds like an excuse is not relevant. 😉

To all those who took the time to send a message or to call me, you’re awesome. You’re all absolutely awesome. Xoxoxo

Here is a question:
Have your own birthdays become less relevant to you as you got older? Yes or no, I would love to hear your answer. Let me know in the comments below. 🙂

Mommy? Why do you have scribbles?…

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This was the question posed to me by my 5 (soon to be six) year old daughter upon silently gate crashing my bedroom (again) and finding me in just a tracksuit pants and bra. I was about to put on the t shirt. I’ve got to learn to lock the damn door. Also, kids can be very quiet when necessary.

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Obviously, to make me feel better after probably seeing the abject shock and horror on my face, she decided to clarify. By pointing. And saying “there, on your tummy, why do you have scribbles?”

Kids are so observant. Don’t for a second think you can fool them.

Like when you’re trying to sneak in a bite of chocolate you’ve been stashing for a while. You know when you went to the hiding place it was quiet and it would be no trouble. Just when you take that bite.. “Mommy, what you eating?”. How the hell do they know?? The quiet should have been my clue. Don’t trust anything if its too quiet.
And yes, I stash treats for myself. I know for dead certain I am not the only parent that does this. Ok? Ok.

Anyway, so back to the matter at hand; the “scribbles” on my tummy. I, firstly, put on my tshirt, then sat her down on the bed and explained while they were in mommy’s tummy, her and her brother grew. As they grew mommy’s tummy stretched. Sometimes when skin stretches and then tries to go back to normal it leaves the marks. “We call it stretch marks” I finished. I was rather proud of myself at the wonderful explanation and fantastic bit of parenting I had accomplished. I deserved a treat for that. She was quiet.
Still feeling the gloating feeling of success my daughter laughed and said “silly scribbles” and proceeded to call her brother to tell him the story. Again, I should have noticed the quiet before getting all “you just won the parent to child info lottery”.

Kids – in the lead
Mommy – trying to get out of the hole

Xoxo
A Little Less Fluff

How do you deal…

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With the loss of a child? A loss I would not ever in the deepest darkest pit of hatred wish on any person.

Recently my cousin and his wife went through this loss. Their son was 6 months old. I never, ever want to have to watch and bare witness to such grief ever. This happened at the beginning of August. I have only now gotten to the point of writing about it. The utter stripping of someone’s emotions in that way was more than I could take. And if that is the way I feel by it being someone else’s child, I think if I was in their shoes, it would break me. Completely and utterly break me.

When I spoke to my cousin that night I was speaking to a man who looked to be defeated by life. He just sat outside, in the dark, all alone. His wife had been sedated and was in a restless sleep in the bedroom.
What I saw in those eyes I couldn’t begin to explain. They say the eyes are the window to the soul and, think what you want, I could see a broken person on the inside. And yet outwardly he projected the role of a strong devastated husband and father with the standard “God knows best” and “in time we will heal”. No! I wanted to hit him right there. Instead, I opted for bare honesty.
I looked him square in the eye and I said you don’t have to do this anymore. You don’t have to be the strong devastated father and husband. What you are right now, is a inconsolable, grieving parent. And if you continue on this path of being sanctimonious about it, then youre going to make this harder than it already is. And if you need help then dont think anyone will judge you if you do. Its none of their business anyway.
My fragile calm was slipping. I hugged him tightly and went home to my husband and two children, crying in the car on the way home.

Chatting to my mom later the evening, she indicated to me that my cousin finally broke down. Finally. I couldn’t tell you if it was my words or just the fact that the day had finally caught up to him, but silently I prayed a thank you. I sent a msg to his wife later that evening and the thank you I received was more than enough.

Grief is handled differently by different people. However if there is even the slightest way of helping someone, even if it is a short moment during a hug, then do it. It could also just be me, but I find the usual cliché sayings at funerals to just be so grating. “It’s God’s plan”, “He/she was too good for this world”, “I can only just imagine how you must feel”.
Regarding that last statement in particular: Unless you have gone through that situation or something really really similar before this, then NO, you cannot imagine how that person feels! Not in a millions years will you ever be able to imagine how that person feels at that moment. Rather, perhaps, go with “Im not going to pretend to know how you feel, but just know I am here if you need me”. It’s not forceful and it’s not condescending. But hey, as I said, it could just be me. And no, Im not being a complete sanctimonious asshole either. I can kind of see how the above might look that way. We are tested. Daily. How you deal and who you rely on during those tests is entirely up to you.

Sometimes we go through life doing our everyday business and not stopping and smelling the roses as it were. Time could be on our side or maybe it won’t be. Good thing we don’t know. All the more reason to try and do right the first time around. And as a spanner in the works, its also never too late.

Much love
Xoxo
A Little Less Fluff

Difference of opinion

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About a week and a half ago N was at the doctor due to Tue fact that the day before she was crying in class because of an ear ache. She had been complaining of a sore ear on and off for the last two weeks. I would gently rub behind the ear and check pressure areas to determine if there might be an infection. Whenever I did this she wouldn’t flinch or scream in pain. It would then be over and all was well. The crying in class was when I decided that maybe she needed to see doc and that he would determine what the issue was. My child does not cry in class. She can be sulky at best, but doesn’t cry. So off to the doc she goes.

There was nothing wrong. As in nothing. No blockage ( nice and clear and healthy according to doc) and of course no sign of infection. I was happy. Then came the questions. Does she grind her teeth at night? Is she doing this for attention because her twin brother gets more attention?
I was floored. Really? REALLY?? You think I don’t give her enough attention and now she is coming up with fake ailments do get it? Really? No. The answer to those questions is no. I have been extra careful in that regard. It couldn’t be.

I resolved that evening to engage with her a little more. She seemed fine. Quite content that THE DOCTOR has said her ear was good. Hardly attention seeking right? Then again would she do that just to go to a doc?

Well I have secretly monitored her for a week or more and have not changed my normal interactions with both my children. She is 100% fine. Some happy, dynamic little girl I adore and love so much.

Which brings me to a thought: was it just an attention seeking tactic? Does she merely love going to a doc like a mini hypochondriac? Or was it genuinely aching at the time? I’m still on the fence here.
I would love some feedback from other moms with multiples or moms with children close in age. Has this ever happened to you? Or something similar perhaps?

I’d love to hear the opinions on this, so hit me up in the comments section.

xoxo

I am well and truly amazed & honored!

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I really never thought that something like this would EVER happen. I am more than estonished and overwhelmed!

I recently received an email from the lovely Lexie over at voiceBox.com informing me that I am a nominee for their Top Multiple Parenting Blogs section of their Top Blog Categories for 2014.
I am not even being coy when I say it is truly awesome and flattering and wonderful!!

As many of you know, I startd this blog as a way to vent and also to connect with parents of Multiples or parents gong through similar situations or emotions. The blog has gone from strength to strength and my journey of being wife, mom and working mom.

The interesting part revolves around the big blue button on the side there. See it? Yes, that one. 🙂 I would really appreciate it if you could take the time and please vote for me? I have never really asked anything like this before from my followers, but I hope that you will be kind enough to do this for me. Voting could get me into the Top 10 spot. If clicking on the blue badge does not take you to the site please click Here
Just scroll down until you see the top 50 Nominees. Im number 5 on the list. You can vote once a day. Which is great. 😉

THANK YOU all you wonderful followers, because if it were not for you, this would probably not have happened.

Much Love
A Little Less Fluff
xoxo

Those Little Game Changers

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It is truly amazing how kids constantly change. I mean just when you’re getting used to their mannerisms, they change the game with something new.
Case in point: N & A started Grade R this year. I know N to not speak as much as her brother. Her communication skills are not where her brother is. I also do not under any circumstances compare them as every child develops in their own way. But people, two days! Two days is all it took for this little madam to develop communication and language skills that I have never seen before! Which is great. Except the attitude (diva) that came along with it.
I am now just a tiny bit concerned that she can be easily swayed into whatever and I have always encouraged my kids to be themselves. I could, of course, be completely paranoid as usual. And granted, she is only 5. Right? Right????

A on the other has decided that he, upon entering the world of Grade R, would turn into a complete smart ass. He now has a tendency to speak to us and Nanny L like we were never educated and sometimes tells you instead of ask you. That, ladies and gentleman, pisses me right off! I am currently on the ‘corrective measure’ train to get him out of this particular mannerism he has learned. He is a bright boy by all accounts, but no one likes a snotty know it all. One who sometimes comes across as pompous and arrogant to boot! I am sometimes surprised by the level of language that comes out of his mouth. He’s bloody 5!!!

They also have managed to develop the ‘skill’ of changing their minds every two minutes. You can buy them something nice and apparently it isn’t the bloody favourite anymore. I’ve taken to not surprising them with stuff. Its easier to just ask what they like. Because along with the ‘I change my mind every two minutes’ ability, they have also mastered the ‘utter outrage that you don’t even know what I like’ look. Manipulative is what I call it.

Be that as it may, there is one thing I can guarantee, they certainly keep you on your toes. Unless you’re exhausted. Then perhaps its a slight murmur in the background.  😉

Seeing Through The Fog…

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It has been nearly two full weeks since I started at my new job, and wow, what a difference in life it makes when you’re in your correct working environment! I literally feel like a brand new human being! I’m not even kidding when I make that statement.
In between my meds and getting the opportunity to bond with the kids more by now being able to take them to school in the mornings, and a new more stable working environment, I think I might actually get the hang of this “Life” thing. I somehow feel a little less out of control and a little more balanced.
I know all the issues within me as a person are not 100%, but damnit it feels good to ‘see through the fog’ for a change!

Just as recently at 3 months ago I was ready to walk out of my previous job with no further employment to go to. This folks, as we all know, in today’s climate is not a viable solution. I might not have elaborated as eloquently as I should have about how bad the “hell hole” really was on this blog, but some insights are here if you search the tag or category of “Work”.
The place was (and I’m not exaggerating here) literally killing me. It was sucking out my will to carry on. When I say soul sucking, I mean it! It is really an interesting topic of discussion (psychologists take note) “How a working environment can affect a person’s overall well being”. Or maybe there has been research on this?

I pretty much had two personalities. The wife & mom at home who was OK and content. Versus the working woman who was miserable out of her damn mind close to a nervous breakdown. It when the “working woman” started creeping into “wife & mom” that the alarms started going off. I have it on good authority that it is damn near impossible to function this way. Yes, obviously we behave differently at work than we do at home, but that is the difference between professional and relaxed at home. That is the ideal way to function. I clearly wasn’t. Hence the alarms. Which I also clearly ignored. For way too long.

I suppose in hind sight I should thank my previous employment for pushing me to the breaking point in that I finally sought help. Which led to tests, which confirmed numerous things for me. The depression being one of them. So yes, I shall give them that. And only that.
Granted there are people that I do miss. OK, only two people really. It broke my heart that I had to leave them behind when I can clearly see how that place is affecting them. I sincerely hope that they, by some miracle, find other employment too.

Now don’t get me wrong, the new place is far from perfect, but those challenges can be managed. Those that being on good stress. It is the negative stress that does the damage. Remember that.
I also had to tell myself, and consciously do every day, that I will not fall into the same work “traps” again. The same shit that contributed to my health decline (mental and physical). The same shit of dealing with incompetence and just accepting it. And in general, the same shit. Nope, no more. Fresh start, new outlook and all around better functioning.

Here’s hoping you all had a decent week and if not, remember that as much as what you think you are alone, you’re not. You sometimes just need reminding of that. So here is me reminding you!
XOXO

I Looked A Little Deeper…

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As human beings, we often tend to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of daily life and such and kind of just become drones. I know that sounds strange, but its the truth. At what point did we become like this? At what point did we forget to stop and “smell the roses” as it were?
Society in general puts pressures on the youth, young adults, working/married couples to constantly strive to that utmost of achievements. And yet when you step back, ask yourself “what is it that I truly want?”.

If you just take the smallest of moments, you’ll realise that there are people around you who love you. That friendship doesn’t end when you start a family. That the most irritating of questions from your your young children is giving you the opportunity to nurture their enquiring minds. That even if you think you are, you are not alone.

In all this, I do actually have a point, seriously, I realised that especially the last point rings so true. My post yesterday yielded such a response of support, encouragement and acknowledgement from others that it struck me (and reminded me) why I started this blog in the first place. Support, encouragement and acknowledgment.
A week ago I was thinking of deleting it all together. The husband, in his wisdom, stated that it would be a bad idea. The blog is a testament to how I’ve progressed and how far I’ve come over the years. My journey to the here and now is laid out in the 150+ posts I have. I let the thought go with a reminder to myself that I would come back to this. I did. Last night I let it all out. Here, on my blog, and I don’t regret my decision to keep it. It is truly a chronicle of my journey and I wouldn’t let it go for the world.

Yes, I know that was some deep sentimental shit right there. A little introspection does wonders for the soul.
To all my followers (old and new) I thank you. I really do. Rest assured I’ll be around more often this time. 😉

New Lease On Life…

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I know the title sounds rather dramatic, but I swear that is the way it feels.
So much has happened since my last post that I am sure if I had to put it all down the post will go on for a long time. I will try and sum it up to the best of my ability.

I have always figured that something was not just right for years now already. But you know how life is, you kind of just cope and carry on. I realise now with the stressors I have had over the last years the signs were always there. Always. I have just somehow managed to cope all along. That is until my body decided to raise the alarm for me.
After months of speculating as to what my rapid weight loss could be about, including tension headaches and all kinds of other situations, I finally went for tests. Full on tests. I had avoided this forever.
It confirmed what I thought all along. Chemical imbalance leading to depressive disorder. Years. Years of denying the fact had got me to this point. Years. Besides a possible future thyroid issue, the main catalyst was the imbalance.
I now am on meds for a 6 month period after which I shall be evaluated again. I do feel it has made some difference. I see more clearly now. More clearly than I have in years. My head does not feel as cluttered. But I shall continue to monitor my own signs of improvement or none.

On the endometriosis front, well, its kind of a situation where there is little to no ovary function. Pre mature ovarian failure (I’m seriously not that old), I think those were the words used. I dont think this has affected me as much since I have my twin lovelies. Had I not though, it would have broken me. Making above situation 100 times worse. But am attempting some oestrogen treatment and we see how that goes.
On a side note: The comments recently by TV “doctor” Dr Drew has raised a storm amongst the endo community for calling the disease a “garbage bag diagnosis”. The shit storm surrounding Dr Drew has still not died down. Which is right by me. Endo is such a silent disease that there are millions of women suffering with this. Every awareness that has been raised about this disease has basically taken a knock by the “doctor’s” comments. Rest assured the shit storm is far from over.

One major change for the better is that I finally did find new employment. I actually start the 5th. I am super excited for the first time in a long time about work. This is the direction I am wanting to go and so many career opportunities that I can barely contain myself.
Those of you who have read my blog regularly will know the issues I have had surrounding the “hell hole”. Well folks, I am finally rid of that place. FINALLY. It is actually a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. It came at the right time (mainly due to situation above) in that I feel it will speed up the process of not having to be on meds of the kind I am taking now.

I think that is about as short as I can keep it without mouthing off for pages and pages. I would at least like to have you visit again. 😉

Have any of you had an experience where denial has led to something drastic health wise? Let me know in the comments. Would love to discuss.

Until next time….